Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

If That's What You Call It

On the drive to town this evening, I thought of all sorts of reasons why I could not go to dance class. I'm too fat. My head hurts. I'm too sweaty. I look like a pig. I have a bloody toe. My throat hurts. I can't breathe. Everybody will see me. I might die . . .

I got to town and parked my car across the street from the dance studio. Opening the car door and getting out was excruciating. I walked across the street, hoping that a car would hit me. None did. Damn! I walked to the door, opened it, and walked in. There I was. People were dancing. I just wanted to hide. I paid at the desk and walked to the back of the studio to the bathroom. I went in and locked the door. Maybe I could just stay here. No, that'd be stupid. I'd paid. I would take the class. I opened the door and sat on the bench in the back, hoping I'd disappear into the wall. Nope.

There were about 20 people in the class. I worked hard. I stayed for the entire time. I tried hard to do everything everybody else was doing. I tried harder not to look in the huge wall-length mirror. I tried to remember to breathe. I did not run. I danced. If that's what you call it. And I hated it. I will go back. I will try again.


I Am Going To Dance!

I have decided that I'm going to dance! I am going to answer back to my "fat girl" image. I will stretch and move. I will sweat. I will learn. I will feel the music and I will dance! So there, Fat Girl!

My first class is tonight.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Picture Perfect.

What can YOU do with a peanut butter and jam sandwich?


The Wind

The wind is blowing. And I'm antsy as hell. The season is changing. It's making me want to crawl out of my skin or climb up a tall tree and stay there until things feel settled again. I have panic in my chest. I need to move my body. And when I move my body, I realize just how big my body has become and I hate it. So I hide it. And around I go.

I thought today that I'd like to learn to dance. I've never been graceful. I've never been limber. My limbs are not slender and beautiful. I thought I'd like to learn ballet. Do they even let fat girls like me dance ballet? I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to try to move my body in ways that might try to be beautiful. Like it would be an insult to the art of dance. And I notice the wind and feel the panic in my chest and I want to run away instead. Forget dance. Forget ballet. I don't deserve that. What if I could learn to make something beautiful with my body? Then what? I'd have to find a new mindset, a new way of thinking in order to make sense of that. Right now, beauty and my body don't fit on the same page, in the same book, on the same shelf, or even in the same sphere.

The wind is blowing. There is a ponderosa pine tree outside my bedroom window. I think I'd climb it if someone were chasing me. The wind is chasing me. I can hear it. I can feel it. I can see it moving the branches of the tree.

And the panic presses in on me. My baby is awake from his nap and I will not climb the tree to wait in safety. I will swallow the panic and be a mommy. My son will press his face into my flubber fat squishy breasts and belly. He finds comfort there in what I hate. I try so hard not to show him that I hate that part of me. I try not to cringe when he snuggles into my fat rolls. They are warm, soft, safety for my baby.

This goes around and around in my head and I start to think that I might be crazy. No, I'm not crazy. I just don't filter as much as maybe I should.

I'm going to go get my baby up from his nap. I'm going to sit in my comfortable chair and lift my shirt. I'm going to hold him close as he presses himself into me. And I will nurse him as I gaze into the pine tree outside the window. I will breathe.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Meet the Fockers

Oh, I mean Meet my Followers.

Let's see. Who do we have?

montanasnowbaby was a high school mate.

jmyetter was my priest.

Khourt is a friend from po.

Deidre is a friend from po.

The Angell Family is a gal pal.

Sarah is a friend from po.

Leigh Anne is a friend from po.

Kristina Buffham is my sister's nanny.

Larkin Bates is said sister.

Janice Driver is me mum.

Fran is a mate from grad school.

There ya go. My Fockers, eh, Followers.

tee hee. I have followers.


Monday (that was today)

I am depressed. I'm on my moon. Luken is kinda sick and fussy.

Even so, I worked all day in the kitchen. I made 4 batches of plum jam and 3 batches of green tomato jam. I don't know if the green tomato jam will set or not. I hope it does. There are still tons of green tomatoes to process. Anybody have good canning/pickling/salsa/jam recipes for green tomatoes? Please share.

I'm hot. Just ask Kara. No, really, I'm HOT. I think I may be approaching the "change". Gees . . .
Just another day in the life.


Sunday, September 27, 2009


On Friday, I woke up with a migraine.

It sucked.

It made me -


Kara took me to see my doctor. He gave me a coupla shots.

Soon I was


That was my day.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My Funny Baby

Tonight, when I was nursing Luken before bed, he decided to play a game with me.  He took my shirt and pulled it over his eyes.  Then he moved it away and peeked at me.  So, of course, I had to say, "Boo!"  He laughed.

We did this over and over again, Luken hiding under my shirt and peeking out and me saying, "Boo."

He laughed so hard that milk came out of his nose!  Milk went all over.  We were both a mess.  But we had fun. 

I am enjoying watching Luken's sense of humor come to life.


Sunday, September 20, 2009


I got to play today!

As I posted yesterday, the fire near here blew up.  You can check it out here.

I didn't plan on going out today because I'm so fat and because I can't be gone from Luken for so long.  So I went to the fire hall to clean up from yesterday's open house.

I put away the leftover cake.

After I'd cleaned up the firehouses, I got an assignment!  Another firefighter and I were sent to map the homes along the road at the edge of our district near the fire.  I had a blast!  I didn't see fire but I saw plenty of smoke.

The wind was whipping so fast! 

We ate lunch with a bunch of guys from our department.

Here's a fine example of a fire lunch.

Smoke down low, clouds up high.

The guys looking at the fire.

The guys working hard on structure protection.

 Gordon looking in the mirror.

Gordon and Hugh looking at a map.

Hugh and Vern

Cool shot of dusk.

I had a good day today.  I am dusty and tired and happy.

If you like what I post, let me know.  The pictures are mine.  Please ask me before you take them.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fire on the Mountain

I got home after a long hard day to see that the mountain above where I live is on fire.  From my front door, I see flames and glowing red in the smoke.  It's a pretty silhouette.  The Kootenai Fire blew up today.  It spread down to the valley floor and over into Bass Creek.  Been watching it for weeks and it's been pretty quiet lately.  They got wind today with a weather front.  I want to take pictures but I don't have a camera that can take good pictures of fire at night from afar. 

Be safe out there, guys (and gals).  I wish I were out there with you.


Friday, September 18, 2009

You, Me, and a Singed Kitty

So my sweet read my previous post.  She comes in from smoking and says, "I'll be back." and takes off.  Ok.  I commence on my antsy-diaper-washing-wasp-spraying way.  She comes home after about 20 minutes.  I keep puttering away. 

In a few minutes, she hollars, "Heidi, get out here!"  I drop what I'm doing and hurry in to where she is, thinking that something is wrong.  Nope.  She has created a date for us!

There were candles around the living room and a blanket on the floor.  She'd dished up chocolate ice cream and put hot fudge sauce on it.  She made me a mojito and put fresh tomatoes, parm, and fresh basil on crackers. 

We sat there on the blanket on the living room floor, midst all the toys strewn about and ate our icec ream and talked.  It was just what I needed.

While we were talking, one of our cats came up and stuck her nose into the flame of one of the candles.  Oops, singed kitty hairs.  Silly cat. 

Yes, Kara and I have our misunderstandings and differences.  But beyond that, she's so sweet.  She is the love of my life.


Friday night!

And I am at home, washing diapers.

I think I miss being able to do spur-of-the-moment things.  Right now, I want to take my wife and son into town for ice cream at the Big Dipper

After ice cream, how about a stroll around Caras park, perhaps listening to some music.

But nope.  My sweet is at the end of her week.  We are slugs.  Our baby is in bed. 

Don't get me wrong, I love motherhood.  And, I miss being able to do things.  There is too much to do and not enough time.  I think I complain too much.  Sometimes I just get antsy.  I'll get over it.


Thursday, September 17, 2009


I need to learn how to fight.  First, fighting sucks.  But, if I have to fight, then I need to know how.  I usually do one of two things.  When faced with a fight that I have not been successful in avoiding, I either become a bitch and hurt the other person before they can hurt me (verbally), or I become a victim.  I don't know how to walk away or stand up for myself.  How on earth does one learn this?  I want to set a good example for my son.  Is there such a thing as fighting with respect?



must s.l.e.e.p. . . .

ha ha!  funny joke!  really though, i gotta sleep!


Wednesday, September 16, 2009


I'm not talking about paper towels. 

Today I worked in the garden whilst Luken took his morning nap. 
 There is so much wonderful fresh food!  Corn and tomatoes and potatoes (dug over the weekend) and ground cherries and zucchini and yellow crookneck squash and strawberries and acorn squash and cucumbers and . . .  YUMMY . . .   I love this time of year.

Last week, I discovered a new yarn shop in Missoula.  It's called Loopy.  I LOVE it!  Needless to say, I spent money.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

In His Own Time

Luken and I went to campus today for a bit of business.  Whilst there, I decided to stop by and visit an old professor.  I had a nice visit.  It made me with that I got out more.  I mean, I miss social work.  I don't miss it enough yet to go back to work though. 

After our errands, we went to Larkin's house.  It's fun to watch the boys interact with each other.  Mac, who is a year older than Luken, doesn't understand that Luken doesn't walk yet.  He will see something he wants to do, take Luken's hand, and say, "Yukent, tum here!"  Mac will pull on Luken's hand, Luken plops down onto the floor, and Mac drags him to wherever he wants to go.  It's pretty cute. 

Luken is nearly 14 months old now.  He's not walking yet.  I am trying not to be concerned about that.  Many kids his age walk.  I have to remember that Luken is an individual.  He's his own little person.  He will do things in his own sweet time.  When he's ready, he'll walk.  Actually, I'm not in much of a hurry for him to start walking.  I think that my life will get a whole lot more complicated once he starts walking.


Monday, September 14, 2009


I've been struggling. Over a month ago, I went on a new med to help with an issue I've been having. About the time I started said medication, I began to have nearly daily debilitating migraines. It took me a month to put two and two together and go off the damned med, no kidding. So, the last month has been pretty rough for me. I'm beginning to emerge from the fog now though and life looks good.

Here are some of the things that shine through the fog.

Trip to the Children's Museum (thanks, Larkin!).
Luken dug for dinosaur bones.

And explored the water table.

Drums are fun!

Exploring the "forest" was great exercise.

Luken is old enough now to have a great time at the Children's Museum. He crawls all around as fast as he can, from one thing to another. He completely wore himself out. We gotta go back soon!

There was a full moon

It was so beautiful! I tried to take pictures of it. I really want a fancy new digital camera that I can change the settings on and put expensive lenses on. Someday, when I'm rich . . .


We went to the Lee Metcalf Wildlife Refuge. We took Sam (before she left for her new home), Rhys, and our sweet boy. I love walking around there. There is so much to see and it feels so peaceful.

I wanted to take more pictures than Luken did.

We had a good time. Kara and I used to go there often before we got married. We chose our name partly because we like bird watching. I go there sometimes during the week with just Luken. It's a good day when I see a great blue heron.


Yes, I am addicted to cloth diapers This is general knowledge by now. I am not ashamed. I bought some new (to me) diapers.

I bought these 4 from Nature Boy. Two Large Fuzzi Bunz and 2 OS BG AIO's!

I had to buy this bug dipe in honor of my best friend, Daye. Daye is an entomologist. I miss her because she moved away (bummer!).
This one's for you, Daye!

These diapers came from Diaper Swappers. I dunno what kind they are but they are very cool! They are cute, plus, they have the best inserts that snap in.

I like that each one is different.

The Blue Mountain Observatory

Kara and I visited the observatory! It was way, way cool! The getting there was kind of an adventure. We left home at around 7 and went into town for beer ice cream from the Big Dipper.
Luken wasn't sure what we were doing going somewhere at bedtime.

After ice cream, we drove up, around, up, around, and up on a dirt road, 13 or so miles to the Blue Mountain Lookout. I drove on the little road because I was less than trusting of Kara's driving and of my ability to keep from puking on the way there. We got there, parked, packed Luken on my back, and hiked to the observatory. We waited and Luken screached. We got to see Jupiter, beautiful marbled Jupiter! Wow! It was amazing!

There was a clusterfuck trying to leave though. Some colossally shortsighted individual parked in such a manner than nobody could leave. After about 45 minutes, we were finally able to begin inching our way down the mountain and homeward. Even with the exit fiasco, the trip was well worth it. Luken was quite a trooper. I will remember that evening for years to come.

Afternoon walks

Luken and I take an afternoon walk quite often.

The weather is so nice and sunny and warm. We walk all around our little town, often stopping by the fire hall to admire the new building and check on the progress of the construction crew or say hello to whoever is there.

One day, we found a dog. She had titties hanging down and no collar. She came when I called her. I took her home and called around. Nobody had heard of her. I took her to a local kennel. That evening, her owner called to say thank you. She turned out to be a fancy kind of breeding bitch worth lots of money. She was really sweet. I'm glad she found her way home.

In other news - I've been making jam. And harvesting things from the garden - green beans, potatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, potatoes. Lots and LOTS of potatoes! I love this time of year!

It's still warm out now (at 11 o'clock at night). I think I'll go gaze at the stars. Goodnight.


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Half A Second

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been feeling uninspired. And tired. And busy. I will try to post a proper update with pictures later today.


Sunday, September 6, 2009

Saturday at the Park!

On Saturday, we met Family at the park. Present were Jason (Kara's brother), Maggie, (Jason's wife), Tripp (their son), Tiffany (other brother's wife), Elayna (Tiff's kiddo), Bonnie (Kara's mom), Luken, Kara, and myself.

Here is Tripp trying on my hat.

The baby slide was quite a hit. Elayna wanted to slide down with both babies at the same time. I think that all three of them plus the accompanying adults had fun with this.

The swings are Luken's favorite thing at the park. He laughs and laughs when he swings. Tripp wasn't so sure but he warmed up to the swings until they started to put him to sleep. Elayna had fun pushing the babies in their swings.

Auntie Tiff and cousin Elayna brought Luken a birthday present. He had fun pulling the paper out of the bag. The present has since become a new favorite. Here's a picture of Tiff and Luken exploring it together.

Tripp, while a coupla months younger than Luken, has already learned to walk (Luken is not walking by himself yet). It's fun to watch them play together (or next to each other). I wonder what Luken thinks when he sees other little people walking. I wonder if he notices. I wonder if he wishes he walked too. Hmmmm. . .

Someone took this group shot. I think it's funny.

All in all, it was a fun time at the park. I was fun to see family.