Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Great Start to the Weekend!

Last night, Kara, Luken and I went to Reynolds' for dinner and visiting. It was really good to get out of the house and have some social time. I really enjoyed it.

This morning, We dragged asses out of bed and got ready and headed to the Rattlesnake trailhead to meet up with a group of women and dogs for a hike in the rain. We hiked for a bout an hour and a half. I had Luken in a pack on my back. It was a lovely hike.

Now I'm sitting in my warm bed watching the Griz play Weber State. Go Griz!


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Boo-tay Ba-lay

I packed up the kiddo and went to booty ballet today. I worked hard. Dripped sweat all over the place. Gross. Luken LOVES that class. He crawls all over, flirts with everybody there. Climbs on Larkin, the teacher, and me. He licks the wall and dances to the music. He always naps well on booty ballet days. I, on the other hand, just hurt. I swear, I work so hard in that class I could cry.

Today I am particularly sore. I have a hurt place on my chest and on my knee from stupidly (Larkin was right) moving heavy furniture all by myself yesterday. And the migraine - what the fuck is up with that? I know I'm on my period but really? A migraine since Monday? Enough already! Maybe I just haven't had enough chocolate yet. Ha, and I wonder why I'm not seeing huge results from all my yoga and dancing and working out and sweating.

I did a little Christmas shopping today. I'm starting to get excited about Christmas. And apprehensive as well. Kara and I supposedly trade every other year - her family/my family. Each year, Larkin cooks a lavish Christmas dinner. I mean 9 courses, each paired with it's own wine, served over several hours. I want to go. I don't see my family very often. I miss them. Kara sees her family more often. We should do Christmas dinner at Larkin's. Even though we did last year. And the year before that. And yes, the year before that too. Each year, Kara and I fight over our Christmas plans. I just don't want to fight. I want dinner at Larkin's. And I don't want to go to Great Falls. I don't care if we spend Christmas Eve with Kara's family or Christmas morning and early afternoon. That's good. But I want to have Christmas dinner at Larkin's. Even though it's not my turn. I'm selfish.

I am excited about Christmas though. I like thinking about what gifts I'm going to give. I like "shopping" online for gifts for Luken. Last year, I was just depressed and wanted nothing to do with Christmas. This year (so far) I'm all excited.

Ok, I'm going to go medicate my headache. I should be getting ready for fire training but I'm not.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tore Apart the House

I tore up the house today. I emptied the changing table/antique thing of all it's diapering supplies and carried it to the living room. Parked it there. I cleaned the rest of Luken's room. I emptied the entertainment center of the beautiful yarn housed there and managed to drag that two ton thing UP the stairs and into Luken's room. Moved it to at least 3 different places. Moved Luken's crib to at least 3 different places. Moved dresser too many times to count. Decided on semi-permanent placement for items (at least for tonight) and put everything away.

Moved HUGE entertainment center from one side of living room to the other. Moved the piano. Moved the couch. Moved massive amounts of stuff from here to there. Moved chairs and tables and lamps.

Not sure that I like it at all but now I'm way too worn out to change it. And I hurt.

I think I pulled a muscles in my chest. There are two places that REALLY hurt. And a spot on my knee. I'm such a gimp. What the hell was I thinking, anyway? I wanted a nice clean house and now I have a torn up house. Way to go!

Still have a fucking migraine. I think it's making me crazy so I do things like tear apart the house.

For the record, I think that the new Tonight Show sucks!


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It's Been A Week

Luken has been sick. He's getting better now but it's been a long haul. Poor guy had the flu (probably h1n1 but not confirmed - why pay money for a test, sick is sick, huh?). Then, because his immune system was worn out from fighting the virus, he got pneumonia and an infection in both ears. We're halfway through our second round of antibiotics now. His poor but is red and sore but he is acting like his ears are better and his cough is LOTS better. I'm so glad he's finally on the mend. It was so hard when he was sick.

I'm on my period now. I feel like I'm bleeding to death. I wear a cup and I've filled it to overflowing in a short time. To top it off, I have a migraine (which is why I'm awake right now in the middle of the night - can't sleep, hurt too much). Ugh.

I'm struggling with depression. I'm in the depressed time of my cycle. The days are getting shorter. I know it will get better.

I live in a pig stye. I hate it. I try to keep my home clean and I can't. I get so overwhelmed. And, unless she's feeling guilty, Kara doesn't help much. Lately, she's been trying harder and that is a huge help. We are both slobs. I don't know where to start. I am trying to get rid of things we no longer use. I am careful not to throw or give away Kara's things. I need help with storage and organizing.

Luken's room is the easiest for me. I spend lots of time in there. It's nice and comfortable. I worked hard to make it that way and I want to keep it that way. The energy is good. It's not overcrowded with furniture. It feels good. I need to make some changes in his room though. The piece we are using as a changing table is an antique. Luken is starting to bang on it. I need to take it out of there so he doesn't ruin it. I need something to house the things that the changing table currently houses. I also need something to contain his toys. I'm thinking that a large solid book shelf would work well. Hmmmm. . . Or maybe the entertainment center from downstairs. I need to measure that and see if it will still look nice with the doors off. Hmmmm. . . that is a good idea. That will be my tomorrow's goal. Measure that. Measure the space. Figure out the doors. I'll ask for Kara's help to move it. I'm excited about that now. Silly me.

Now, if the damn migraine would only go away, I could go to sleep.

If anybody reads this shit, don't be worried if I don't make a whole lot of sense. It's after midnight and I've taken meds for the migraine so I am kinda dopey and in pain.

I want a snack. I'm not hungry. I just want to eat. There is something comforting about eating. I want crunchy. And I want honeycomb.

These migraines make me angry. I feel helpless. I can go on topomax to try to prevent them. I'm terrified of that drug. I've seen it do horrid things to people. My doc wants me to try it. I am pretty sure that lots of my migraines are hormone related. So, fix the hormones. How? Lose weight. I'm working on that. Eat better. Wow, lots of work there.

Oh, here's a cool bit of TMI. I had a really deep and painful zit on my neck. I popped it and it just got worse. It hurt crazy! I decided to try something. I got a q-tip and put a dab of honey on it. I put the honey on the zit and covered it with a waterproof bandaid. In the morning, I took the bandaid off and the space underneath the waterproof backing was filled with green puss. Gross, huh? But the puss wasn't in my skin anymore. Nope. It was all out of my body. I washed the spot and today, it's nearly healed. It only took less than 24 hours. How cool is that, eh?

Alright, I know. I really should go to bed. Sometimes I just don't know when to stop.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

Still Feels Like Monday

Luken is feeling better. Now I feel like crap. It's been a LONG week.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Good Lord, it's Monday.

It was a long day today. I spent nearly the ENTIRE day sitting in the rocking chair rocking my sick baby. He just flopped there in my arms and moaned or grunted or whined all day. Poor guy.
Went to the doc. Didn't test for h1n1 because Luken is 5 days into whatever virus he has so it really doesn't matter what virus it it. His lungs are clear. I'm relieved about that. He has a rough sounding cough. The doc sent us home with antibiotics to fight any secondary infection (such as bacterial pneumonia) that he might get because his immune system is compromised by fighting the virus. The doc said that we should see marked improvement in the next day or two. I hope he's right.

It's quite exhausting, doing nothing but sitting in a chair rocking. More than physically exhausting, it's emotionally exhausting. It's so hard to see my baby sick and not be able to fix it.

I have a yoga class tonight. I'm simply too tired to go. I don't feel like it's a cop out. I feel like it's self care.


Sunday, October 18, 2009


Today, the fire department went to Missoula and conquered the Ropes Course!

I've been looking forward to this for several weeks. I've been psyching myself up for it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. And I did it! I am proud. Exhausted but proud.

Here we are doing "trust falls". JJ is catching Kevin and I am catching Bruce.

All lined up listening to the instructors.

I am holding on to the ropes for balance while I walk across a cable suspended about a foot from the ground. Bruce is spotting me here.

Group hug!

We wore helmets and climbing harnesses for the high ropes.

Yup, that's me all the way up there! I climbed up! What a blast!

Thomas Pratt

Getting clipped in.

Climbing the pole to one of the high elements. This pole climbing completely wore my arms out and took my breath away.

Ok, made it!

Now I gotta walk across a cable suspended high above the ground while holding to this rope for balance.

Taking a climbing break. I'm nearly up to the bridge. I hung out here for a few minutes to catch my breath and let my arms rest. It was a great view!

Yay! I made it all the way up to the bridge! Now to try to cross it.

Which I did!

It was a blast!

Here's a picture of the Brothers Wick.

I had more fun today than I've had in a long time. I worked very hard and I'm quite proud of myself.


Friday, October 16, 2009

The Things I Say

Sometimes I say things - just during the course of my day, that just crack me up.

This morning, I was sitting on the bed and and one of the cats did her "business" in the box. Then she jumped up on the bed and came over to me for loves. She was still stinky.

So I said, "Clean your pucker."

Hearing those words come out of my mouth completely cracked me up.



I am lonely. I miss my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother. I just miss being able to see my friends and talking about things other than baby. I miss hearing about their lives. I miss being the person they share their thoughts and feelings with. I miss sitting and knitting with people. I playing tunes. I miss having coffee and talking about life.

Last week, I sent an old friend a text saying hello and that I was lonely. Got a text back saying that she was busy. Ouch. Ok, I know that she lives halfway across the country and that she has her own life. But it still hurt. Haven't heard from her since.

I'm trying to find "mommy friends". I'm attending play groups. They are fun. But I'm still lonely. I don't feel like I can really share my life. The play groups are about babies. That's good. But I still feel like I need more.

I feel selfish. I have so much. I have a wonderful wife and a dear sweet son. I have lots of people who support me. I feel selfish because I want these great people who support me to not keep me at arms length. I need some closeness. I want contact. Emails are nice but they aren't warm. See, I'm selfish.

Selfish AND lonely.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Thought of the Moment

Under-boob sweat is gross.



I am so tired. I just want to sleep from now until tomorrow morning. Luken got up in the middle of the night and played for about 3 hours. Cute to listen to but I surely couldn't sleep through it. I am so tired today. All the pain I live with 24/7 is harder to handle when I'm tired.

I went to booty ballet today. I'm proud that I went. My sister came too. It was fun to see her but I was kinda embarrassed at what a beached whale I am. I swear, we're adults now. Why must there still be competition between us, even if it's just in the dark recesses of my mind? She is thin and strong and beautiful. I am fat and fat and fat. Ugh.

There is a quote at the end of a movie that is lodged in my head. I don't remember it but I want to. Hmmmm. . . . That made absolutely NO sense whatsoever.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009


The pictures say it all.


I am sad. I didn't go to ballet today. I let my own damned body image keep me from going. I am huge. I am a beached whale. I HATE my body! I want to cut! I should cry instead.

It's hard how working out and trying to learn to live in my body brings up so many difficult feelings. This sucks.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Squash Soup and Kale Too!

Today I made very yummy squash soup. I'm proud of how it turned out.

First, I washed, halved, and took the seeds out of 3 acorn squashes (Kara grew them in our garden). I placed them on a cookie sheet and stuck them in the oven for 45 minutes at 350.

When squash was finished roasting, i chopped and sauted one gigantic onion in 1 TBSP butter. When the onions were cooked, I added about 2 1/2 cups of chicken broth and ground some black pepper into it.

Then I scooped the squash out of it's skin and plopped it into the soup. I whirred it all up with my wand thing. I added about 1/3 cup of half and half and maybe a cup of milk. To season, I added 1/2 tsp salt, some oregano, some ground cloves for heat, and some freshly grated nutmeg for interest. Whizzed it all up again.
It's sooooo creamy and good!

Then, a coupla hours ago, my friend Sara brought by a bunch of kale from her garden. Hmmmm. . . . What to do with the kale?

I washed it and sliced it very thinly. I dumped it into a big frying pan with some butter and some water and cooked it until the stem pieces were soft. I salted it a little. I cut up some tofu Italian sausage and dumped that in. A little more butter. Yum!

It's been a good food day!


Sunday, October 11, 2009


It's the end of a busy weekend. I didn't get anything that needed to be done done. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm needy. But I can't be needy. Kara is sick and she is needy. I need not to be needy to take care of her. Luken has a fever too. I can't be needy. I don't have time to be depressed. I don't have time to be needy.

So buck up, Heidi. Be a grown-up.


Saturday, October 10, 2009

Frozen Parade

Today was the University of Montana Homecoming Parade. It was maybe 10 degrees outside and the wind was blowing. It was brutal frigid cold!

But we bundled and went to the parade anyway!

There weren't very many people out to watch the parade.

Just the brave die-hard Griz fans and a few others of us who had taken leave of our senses.

There were only 2 bands in the parade. All the high school bands and other musical floats pulled out. Can't say as I blamed them. The UM Marching Band and the UM Alumni Band were the brave and dedicated bands. They must have had lips of steel (or ice).

We gave it everything we had but we didn't quite make it to the end of the parade.

We watched the last quarter or so of the parade from the relative warmth of the Catalyst where I got the best buckwheat waffle with delicious plum sauce. So yummy!

It was a great adventure! It took the rest of the day to feel warm again but it was worth it. I had a great time!


Friday, October 9, 2009

What Is This?

Mom dressed me up into a bundle and set me down outside.

What is it?

I can stir it around.

Hmmmm. . . I think I'll taste it.

Hmmm, not too bad!

I wonder if I can crawl in it.

No, not really.

That's okay. I'll just sit and eat more of it.

I bet it'd be easier to eat it if I leaned over.

Oh, no! That didn't work very well! This is cold!

Mommy, I don't like this! Take me in!



This morning, I had to sit and look at my priorities. I had planned and very much wanted to attend a Nia dance class. When I got up today though, I found that the roads were covered in ice. Yes, I am committed to this venture I'm on. But is it worth taking my dear baby out on terrible roads? Nope! I do not feel like it is a cop-out. I feel like it was a wise decision.

I will keep track of how the roads are. I'll try to go to a later yoga class to make up for the one I missed this morning.


Thursday, October 8, 2009

Booty Ballet

Today, noontime found me at booty ballet. With Luken. I worked very very hard. Luken charmed all the students. He's such a great little boy. I'm proud to be his mama. By the end of class, both of us were so tired. We came home and both took long naps. He's eating dinner right now. I'm too sore to move. Gees . . . Can I say FIBRO FLARE? Yup, for sure!

Tomorrow, Nia class!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Today I had my second ballet class. Today I was able to laugh at myself. Today I worked very very hard. Today I kept going. Today I am a little less sore than I was yesterday. Today I am proud of myself.


Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I have a great support system!

Kara bends over backwards to make it possible for me to go to classes at the dance studio.

Larkin took care of Luken so I could attend a yoga class tonight. Then she let Luken and me stay for dinner.

Fran said she'd come to class with me.

What a great group of people I have in my life!

Today my kind witness tells me that my feet hurt. And so do my shoulders. My legs feel pretty good today though! Yay!


So Sore . . .

Oh, wow . . . I hurt. My tight sore muscles are giving me a migraine. It starts as a tension headache and wraps itself around my brain and squeezes until out pops a migraine. Gees . . .

I'm going to yoga class this evening anyway.


Monday, October 5, 2009


Today my kind witness says that my body is sore. I feel my muscles in places I'd completely forgotten about. It's good to remember those places.


Sunday, October 4, 2009


I went to a yoga class this evening. It was a hard class. I worked very very hard! I am proud of myself.

I tried to be a kind witness to my body. I couldn't separate my physical from my emotional. When we did poses that opened the pelvis, emotions overwhelmed me. I wanted to close up. Close up tight. Clench. Don't let it hurt. I knew that the class was safe. Nobody there was going to hurt me. I was there as an adult, by choice, helping my body to come into its power. Why still so terrifying to open my pelvis? During some stretches, I found my entire body shaking and tears streaming from my eyes. I didn't ask. I just witnessed myself. And I breathed.


Lesson of the Week

Be a kind witness to your body.

Heidi, this is for you.



Ok, I am actually excited about today's class at the dance studio. It's a yoga class! It's in the evening and I know I'll be tired by then but I'm still excited about it.

Kara made roasted veggies the other day. Boy, are they yummy! All from our (her) garden! She worked so hard on the garden. I'm so proud of her!


Saturday, October 3, 2009

Fun and Busy Day!

Today was fun!

I got to sleep in!

And then I did a child safety seat clinic at the fire hall. I enjoy teaching people things they want to know.

Then, Luken and I went to the Florence homecoming game. Florence won! It was Luken's first football game.

After a rest, we all went to a friend's birthday party. There were lots of fun people there and fun music and good food.

Home now and worn out. On the edge of a migraine but I don't care. It was a good day.


Thursday, October 1, 2009

Well, Shit!

I am sick. And that pisses me off. I'm not deathly ill or anything. I have a cold. And a migraine. One or the other is about all I can deal with.

There is a dance class tomorrow morning at 8 that I want togo to. Unless I'm too sick to get out of bed, I will go.

I am mad at my body. I feel like I'm going WAY out on a limb by taking dance classes. I'm trying so hard to prove myself wrong. I WANT to be wrong. I don't want to be a fat girl. I want to learn to love my body. It's hard. I have to start acting like I can stand to be in my own skin. So I signed up for dance classes. And now I'm sick. WTF? Ok, honestly, I have had a sore throat now for a few days. Anyway . . .

I think I chose the dance thing because I really have no idea how to do it. I can't fake my way through it.

In other news - there was snow on the mountains this morning when I woke up. It was kinda funny to see smoke coming from under the snow.

Luken has a new tooth today! He now has 6 total - 2 on the top, 4 on the bottom. He also has 2 new signs! He can sign "more". That's a quick one. He signs "more" and immediately claps. It's a hoot! He also signs "all done". That sign comes in handy for lots of things. Done eating. Done jumping. Done nursing. Done playing in the bath. He can also wave bye-bye, give a high 5, and give "knucks". It's pretty cute.

Ok, the migraine is getting the best of me. I'm going to take meds.