Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

a few hours

Today, for the first time in weeks, I had a few blessed hours of no migraine.  I woke up clear headed and not in pain.  I had a good morning outside playing with Easter eggs and little kids.  I didn't start getting a headache until after noon.

Then, it started.  The first searing jab of pain splitting the hemispheres of my brain gave me warning about what was coming.  I continued on with my day.  Now, it's late.  And I hurt.  I can quite fairly say that yes, I have another migraine.

But, for a few sweet hours earlier today, I didn't have a migraine.  Thank you for the gift.


Friday, March 29, 2013

sometimes, when i hurt so bad, like right now, i need something that offers hope.

 Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me

Text: Edward Hopper, 1816-1888
Music: John E. Gould, 1822-1875
Tune: PILOT, Meter: 77.77.77

1. Jesus, Savior, pilot me
 over life's tempestuous sea;
 unknown waves before me roll,
 hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
 Chart and compass come from thee;
 Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

2. As a mother stills her child,
 thou canst hush the ocean wild;
 boisterous waves obey thy will,
 when thou sayest to them, "Be still!"
 Wondrous sovreign of the sea,
 Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

3. When at last I near the shore,
 and the fearful breakers roar
 'twixt me and the peaceful rest,
 then, while leaning on thy breast,
 may I hear thee say to me,
 "Fear not, I will pilot thee."

Thursday, March 28, 2013


It's Holy Week for Christians.  

If you know me, you know that I struggle with Christianity.  Right now, it's a life giving struggle.  Maybe like birth.  I don't know. . .

During this week, Christians reflect on the days and hours leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

Tonight, I went to church and the service was about Christ's mandate or new commandment to us to "Love one another as I have loved you."  This is a tall order.  Think about it.  God loves you (me, all of us) to death.  If you're a Christian, that's your reality.  It can be both a heavy reality or a freeing reality.  Maybe it's both.

At the end of the service tonight, the Altar was stripped.  It was laid naked.  In preparation to remember Christ's death, where God, in Jesus, laid naked before us.

As American society, we shy away from naked.  We find shame in our own nakedness.  We taunt other's nakedness.  What does it mean to you to be naked?  You were born naked.  Your innocence was naked.  There is a curiosity about being naked.  Sometimes, we dare to take the cover off and peek underneath.  Yet, most of the time, when we see nakedness, ours or another's, we seek to cover it.  We turn our eyes down.  We look away.  And, when we find ourselves naked, we hide.

Do you dare to be naked?  Before your own eyes?  Before God?  Naked has no secrets, does it?  Naked is all out there, in the open, nothing left to hide.  What do you hide?  What keeps you from being naked, free?


Monday, March 25, 2013

I don't know . . .

Tonight I am very discouraged.  I've had migraine 25 out of the past 30 days.  That's insane!

I'm unable to do the things I need to do, let alone the things I want to do.  I can't keep up on the kitchen or the laundry.  I'm not being a good parent to my son.  I miss fire calls because of migraines.  I miss church and appointments because of migraines.  This weekend, I missed a much anticipated concert because of a migraine.

I've tried everything I know to try.  I worked with the best migraine doctor Missoula had to offer me.  In the past year, we've gone through every single one of her options.  And done.  No help.

I'm complaining.  Because it's not fair.  If I had, say, breast cancer, I think it'd be different.  People would bring us food sometimes.  Maybe someone would come clean our house.  Maybe people would be more willing to take Luken for a coupla hours.  When people asked how I was feeling, I could be honest.  Now, when people ask how I'm feeling, I shrink away from the question.  I have a migraine.  I hurt.  I can see out of only one eye right now.  Could you not talk so loud, please?  Could you not bump into my body because it makes me so dizzy that I am afraid I'll fall down.  I'm afraid that people think, "Oh, she has a migraine.  She wants narcotics.  Drug seeker."  I feel like there's a stigma that comes with migraine headaches.

I'm complaining, because I don't know what else to do.  I'm losing the things in my life that are important to me.  I am unable to keep up my duties on the fire department.  I feel like I should leave on a good note.  If I did have breast cancer, would I be thinking the same thing?  Or would they rally behind me, pull together, and help me get it done?  I don't know but I have to wonder.

No, I don't have breast cancer.  I'm lucky.  I have chronic and severe migraines, for which no prevention or cure (for me) has yet been found.  I am discouraged frustrated and depressed.  Some days, I really just feel like giving up.  I don't know what else to do.


Saturday, March 23, 2013

Again with the damn migraines

Here I am, sitting in the dark.  With a migraine.  Again. 

Had a puking migraine yesterday. 

Today was mostly okay, just kind of fuzzy around the edges. 

Took the little boys bowling where all the lights flickered just a tiny bit.  Ran 2 errands on the way home.  

Got home and immediately started a nose bleed.  Then, 2 minutes later, huge migraine hit.  Deployed shot and took drugs.  They helped.  For a coupla hours.  

Did another shot and more drugs.  Got another nosebleed and headache got terrible again.  I dont' know if the nosebleeds cause the migraines or the other way around.  Either way, it sucks!

I went and had allergy testing done a week ago.  The Dr's office called yesterday and said that the lab has asked for more blood.  So, more waiting.  I go in on Monday to give more blood for the tests.  I just want answers.  Being gluten free hasn't seemed to make much of a difference.  Being egg free hasn't made a dent either.  There are way too many variables to control for.  If this doc can't find the cause, I don't know what I'll do.  I've exhausted all the solutions and possibilities of the best migraine doc in town. And nothing helped. 

It's so hard not to get discouraged.  Hard not to give up.  I need my life back. 


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Running to stand still

This song describes how I'm feeling today.  
I'm pissed. 
And so much more.  
I'm sure you'll hear more about it later.  
For now, this song is what I got. 

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
About where we're going

Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night
Singing ha, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la de day

Sweet the sin
Bitter taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out

You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice

You know I took the poison
From the poison stream
Then I floated out of here
Singing...ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day
Ha la la de day

She runs through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging
She is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She will...

Suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand...



Monday, March 18, 2013

So tired.





Friday, March 15, 2013

swollen heart

heavy content
by a heartsore mom
please, be kind
and don't judge

today was hard.  very hard.  and i feel completely defeated.  like all the air has gone out of my sails.  

today, like many days, my son (age four and a half) had a tantrum over i don't even remember what.  i'd asked him to do something and he refused.  i wouldn't engage him in his play until he acquiesced.  he had a tantrum.  this happens daily.  today it lasted for a long time.  and i lost my temper.  i spanked him (which i dont' usually do).  i was mad.  really mad.  i let him get under my skin and he knew it.  

i had help.  his other mama spelled me off and on during her lunch break.  all told, the tantrum probably lasted an hour.  

it stopped.  abruptly.  when he hit me in the face and my nose started gushing blood.  i froze.  i've been hit before but never square straight on.  it hurt.  like hell.  his other mama took over.  at this point, i couldn't interact with him.  i was just trying to breathe. 

what started as a regular stupid tantrum that over-ran it's course ended up with me hurt and my child scared to death that he'd killed me.  

my son is 4.  still young.  this is SO not okay.  i don't know how we got here.  i am scared.  not scared of him.  but scared for him.  i love him so much!  i fought to get pregnant.  i fought to maintain the pregnancy.  i fought to survive his birth.  i fought to survive coupla times since.  i fight for him.  tooth and nail i fight for him.  i cannot immagine life without him.  and, for a moment today, i couldn't imagine life with him. 

this hurts.  in lots of ways.  physically, i'm pretty sure the bleed in my nose is posterior.  it was very hard to stop and has bled off and on heavily since.  my sinuses are quite swollen and my entire face is throbbing.  emotionally, my heart is breaking.  i want so much for him.  and right now, it feels like a terrible responsibility to raise him.  yet my heart melts for him.  

if you haven't been a mom, you won't understand.  i know my child has "special needs".  blah blah blah.  i don't think his needs are all that special.  or maybe they are.  maybe i'm blinded by love (and pain).  i don't know.  i'm overwhelmed.  i wish somebody would tell me what to do and how to do it and i'd know that it was the right thing.  i wish that his other mama and i had more help.  sometimes it feels like we're 2 people alone trying to raise a tornado child.  

people tell me that i'm good for it.  they say that i've been given this child because i can handle it.  i'm not so sure.  don't get me wrong.  he is a gift.  he is a precious gift.  but would i change him?  i think, yes.  i'd have him be happy.  i'd have him not need to rage against me, writhing, screaming, choking and sweating, because he doesn't know what else to do.  i'd have him know peace more often.  i'd have him be comfortable in his body, feeling the world around him with his senses and not being hurt by "normal" everyday things like the seam in his shirt or the air from an open window.  i don't need a "normal" or typical kid.  i dearly love the one i have.  and i hope that someday he can know how to live in a world that accepts him for who he is.  i hope that i can know how to parent him, to help him be all that he is.  

and right now, i'm so done that my eyes are burning.  i don't know how to go on.  all i know is that tomorrow has to be a better day, doesn't it?


Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Tonight, whilst driving home, I was listening to the radio in my car.  I "hear" the radio in my car often but don't very often get a chance to "listen" to it.  Anyway, I was listening to a show called On Being with Krista Tippett.  I was paying attention to driving and so I'm not quite sure if I heard this right.  I thought I heard someone say, "There is freedom in doubt."

There is freedom in doubt. 

Think about it. 

Is there?  At first, I thought, yes!  Yes, there is freedom in doubt.  For a fleeting moment, it made crystal clear sense to me.  And then I doubted. 

What do you think?  Is there freedom in doubt?  

I think, that in doubt, there is room for learning.  And in learning, there may be freedom.  

Or maybe, the freedom of doubt is the freedom from being made to "believe" certain things and the freedom comes with the risk one takes to suspend belief. 

For me, this brings the question of doubt vs. belief.  Now what?

Is there room for doubt in your belief?  I know, that for me, there is often doubt in my belief.  

I'm tired.  And it's been a long day.  But I want to know, what do you think?  Leave me a comment, eh?  I won't harsh on you.  Let's have a conversation. 


Monday, March 11, 2013


Today has been a hard day.  I have another migraine.  It has to end, sometime, doesn't it?  I am doing everything I know how to do to prevent these terrible headaches.  Preventing them is best.  Because effective treatment options for me are limited.  This headache started yesterday.  The bright light and slant shadows across the road in the early morning started kicking it off as I drove to church.  I was able to breathe it calm.  But it came back again, full force, in the afternoon.  And all night.  And this morning.  The pain increased throughout the day until I had tears running down my face for no other reason than the pain.  You know the pain scale?  0 being no pain, 10 being worst pain ever?  Tonight I'd say it's a solid 8.  That's pretty harsh.  Pain like this scares me.  I feel like I have no control over it.  When the pain is less, I can often breathe it away.  With pain like this, though, I can't.  I've taken all the meds available to me and still not getting much relief.  It's hard not to panic.  

I go in tomorrow for extensive allergy testing.  I hope I get some information I can use.  

I am so done.  I feel defeated.  At the end of my rope.  I feel like my options are being taken away from me.  My personhood is being whittled down from a competent creative mother to a pathetic woman with migraines all the time.  This is NOT who I am!  It has to change, doesn't it?  I hope so. 

I need encouragement.  I'm trying so hard and nothing is working.  I'm asking for your help and support.  Tell me it will get better.  Please.


Sunday, March 10, 2013


That's tonight's crazy stupid low blood sugar level.  Seriously, what the fuck?  39?  How can I get that low and not know it?  Yes, I feel quite like crap, and will continue to feel quite like crap even as the level rises.  Am I so used to feeling quite like crap that I don't notice it anymore.  When it's low like that, nothing feels real to me and that's the biggest thing that I notice.  But when it's low, I can't seem to put the "nothing feels real" experience together with the "crazy low blood sugar" fact.  Brain offline.  

Food with long lasting carbs, fat and protein.  Then bed. 

Hey, what's up with this time change?  It sucks!  Arizona, Huterites  and cows are on to something.  Maybe I shoulda been a cow. 


I wish . . . for my church to stick its neck out for me

I am so lucky.
I attend a really neat church.
They say that all are welcome there. 
And really,
all are. 

And, at the same time,
there is reserve.
There is a certain 
or effort
to not 
"rock the boat".

I feel at home there. 
The people love me.
And I wish for more.

I wish they would take a stand.
A risk.

I think, that, not too far back,
they did. 

And I think that it tore them apart. 
They are still healing. 

I am a lesbian. 
And I yearn for my family to be
accepted fully,
just as other families
are accepted.

The church I attend
really is supportive.
And sometimes
I don't think it's fair
to ask for more. 

But I want more. 

Sometimes, during the church service,
a pop song 
that is relavent to the topic
of the day
is shared. 

I want them to
one day
be brave,
take a risk,
and share this song
during church.


Friday, March 8, 2013


What does defeat look like for you?

Does it look like falling off the wagon and taking a drink?

Does it look like the crumbs at the bottom of an empty bag of chips or the last lone oreo staring you in the face?

Does defeat look like the miles and miles you run each day to make up for the cookies and ice cream you ate yesterday?

Or maybe defeat looks like the fist you have clenched in anger, shaking so hard to keep from letting it fly.

Is defeat finally giving up after working day after day, week after week, for a boss who really doesn't care, earning never enough money to cover the bills that just won't stop?

Does defeat find you, at the end of the day, exhausted in your bed with nothing to show for your entire day.

Or the pain that gets in your way, slows you down, curls your hands, swells your joints, is that what defeats you?

Maybe it's your past, rearing it's head, wave after wave of memories you can't stop, memories you don't want - but they're yours.  Is that defeat?

Is your defeat the day you decide you can't get out of bed and face another day?

For me, right now, my defeat is a migraine.  A stupid headache.  A headache that I got almost 2 weeks ago on a Sunday.  I've used every tool available to me.  I've gone to the clinic 3 times.  They've done everything they could for me.  I have tried so hard.  SO damn HARD to not give the migraines a reason to stick around.  I've taken eggs and gluten out of my diet.  It's been what? about 5 or 6 weeks.  Maybe 4.  I'd been having less headaches.  Finally!  Fewer headaches.  Than I've had in YEARS.  I dared to hope.  Stupid me.  Dared to fucking hope.  My friend Luci was right.  Hope is a trick.  And I am defeated.  I was at the clinic yesterday.  Saw a very sweet doctor who cared very much about me.  She gave me a shot of demerol/phenergan and a steroid shot.  I went home and relaxed.

I woke up this morning with NO headache!  I dared to hope.  And, as the day went along, I felt it.  It started with stabbing pain on the right side of my head.  Intermittent.  But there.  And it spread.  I know where it goes.  I know what it is.  It's a migraine.  My old fucking friend, the migraine.  And it defeats me.  It keeps me from being the mother I want to be, the mother my son deserves.  It keeps me from being a good wife to my sweetest forever friend.  It keeps me from taking care of myself, from cooking healthy meals, from exercising, from being creative.  Migraines rob me of everything I want and have worked so hard for.  Migraines defeat me and it's not fucking fair!

The 12 steps have taught me to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Step one, I admit that I am powerless over migraines.
Step two, came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
Step 3, made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understand God.
Step four, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
Step 5, Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step six,  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step seven,  Humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings.
Step 8.  Made a list of all persons I have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9.  Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would infere them or others.
Step 10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong, promptly admit it.
Step 11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out.
Step 12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I try to carry this message to others who still suffer and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Ok, Migraine, you win.  I accept this thing I cannot seem to change.  I try like hell to change the things I can to make it better.  And as for wisdom, I fear I am sorely lacking in that.  I am at the end of my rope.  I am out of options.  I need help that doesn't seem to exist.  I am terrified that I will always have these debilitating headaches.  I am losing everything that I've worked so hard for.  I am defeated.

How can I string up a white flag.  Who will see?  I surrender.  I am defeated.  I surrender.


Thursday, March 7, 2013

Sensory day

Yesterday Luken decided he was too sick to go to school.  He has lots of snot and his ears hurt.  I gave it to him.  

But, if he was going to be home all day, I wasn't going to let it be a dead wasted day.  So I got creative. 

After some tv time, I decided he needed a bath to help decongest his chest.  So I made bath paints.  A good friend, Tams, posted a neat recipe on her facebook page. 

I used a mini muffin tin for the colors. 

Luken used a large soft craft brush.

He experimented with mixing colors.

I set the paints on a stool next to the tub
and let him get to work.

Luken must have had a blast
because here's what
I came back to.

All the colors mix to make a greenish color. 
Who knew?

Mommy, this feels tickley.

My Green Monster!

Cleanup from this project was easy.  Since the paints were made out of baby shampoo, corn starch, water and food color, it all just sprayed off with the shower.  

It was an awesome way to get my sick kid in a hot bath to steam some gunk out of his chest and give him a fun and creative sensory experience at the same time. 

Later, we decided to make a different kind of goo. 
This goo is corn starch and shampoo with a little bit of elmer's glue in it. 

Here we made a monster.

You can see it's 2 wings, it's head with nostrils and eyes, its short forelegs, it's spiny body and long spiny tail. 

Luken was very proud (as well he should have been). 
He wants to dry it.  I think it's gonna crumble into dusty green corn starch but we'll see. 

And on a totally different topic:
This freaky dude showed up in my coffee cupboard this morning. 
Who needs a creepy "Elf on the Shelf" when you have freaky Buzz Lightyear and a snake?  Cripes!

Well, I hope you've all had a great day.  


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Words from a friend

Today, I want to take the opportunity to feature another blog here.  Enjoy.

My friend, Lisa, is mom to 7 kids.  One of them, Finn, is Luken's age.  Finn has Down syndrome.

Lisa writes a blog.  I thought this was a post worth sharing. 

Please, think about what you say before you say it.


Sunday, March 3, 2013

Rape. Is there ever Justice?

If you live in Missoula, you are likely aware that a young man was very recently tried for the crime of sexual intercourse without consent, or rape.  I'm not going to link news stories to my blog.  You can go find them yourself if you want to read them.  

Coupla things stand out for me.  

The accused is (was) a college athlete.  He was star on the UM football team until the "alleged" victim reported the crime.  UM athletes have been having a difficult time staying on the right side of the law lately.  There have been accusations of drug use, violent crimes, DUI with fatality, sexual crimes, etc.  I used to cheer whole heartedly for "my" Griz, but nope, not anymore.  Not until they as a whole clean up their act.  

The woman who courageously stepped forward and reported the "alleged" rape is a student at UM.  She's remained anonymous.  The press has treated her with dignity but the blogosphere has been downright brutal toward her.

I have a HUGE problem with all the "alleged" this and "alleged" that.  A woman was forced to have sex against her will (according to the woman).  I'll say it.  She was raped.  Saying that she was "allegedly raped" is like saying, "Well, I know you said you were raped, but I don't believe you."  She was raped.  Nobody knows that more than she does.  Call it straight up straight forward rape.  It doesn't matter that the two were acquaintances.  She was raped.  It doesn't matter that at first, she was okay with what was happening and then said stop.  She was raped.  It didn't matter that she didn't completely freak out afterward.  She was raped.  It shouldn't matter that she didn't respond as a rape victim "should" respond.  She was raped.  

I do not know who this woman is.  But I am so proud of her.  I know from my own experience, that stepping forward to report something so terrible is an excruciatingly difficult thing to do.  I know that the investigative process is nightmarish for the victim.  Yet this young woman stuck with it.  I know that even getting as far as going to court is exhausting.  And she kept at it.  And then the trial, where lawyers rip to shreds her dignity, her story, and make aim for her soul - I know that is barely survivable.  Yet she kept going.  To this young woman, thank you.  You have set a beautiful example for other women.  You didn't get justice.  Jordan Johnson was found not guilty.  It's not fair.  It never will be fair.  Our legal system isn't set up for fair.  And I'm sorry.  I know how hard it is.  While I haven't walked in your shoes, I do know more than many about the feel and flavor of what you went through.  Dear woman, dear anonymous brave courageous woman, please, do not give up.  Keep asking for help.  Don't doubt your experience.  I believe you.  

I know that justice is hard to find.  As a woman who herself has been raped and who has had experience with cases in court systems, I know that justice is elusive.  Many years have passed in my story.  In those years, I'm come to know that justice is not what comes out of our courts.  I've learned to find justice in other ways.  For me, some days just daring to get out of bed is a win for me.  Every day that I want to cut and don't is a win for me.  Every day that I put my feed down onto the earth and hold my head high brings justice to me.  Every time a woman is believed, there is a little sliver of justice.  

Justice works in mysterious ways.  I was gang raped in Missoula.  It happened at the Clark Fork Inn on the corner of West Broadway and Scott Street.  I think it was part of a bachelor party or something.  One after another, the men took their turn with me while others held me down.  It was terrifying in every way.  I wanted to die.  They weren't kind enough to kill me.  After several hours, they let me go. I got in my car and drove to a friends' house.  They told me they couldn't deal with my "drama" so I went home.  I showered until all the hot water was gone then showered some more.  I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.  I went to bed, curled in a ball and stayed there until it dawned on me that I might have gotten pregnant.  So I drug myself out of bed and drove to my doctor's office.  I asked to see her.  When she came in to the exam room, I screamed when she touched me.  She was very gentle. No exam.  I'd scrubbed any evidence away in the shower.  She gave me the morning after pill and sent me home.  The pill made me sick.  I was too afraid to go to work for weeks.  When I finally did sum up the courage to tell my friends, I cried and screamed so hard I thought I might never stop.  I did stop.  And, somehow, I kept on.  Several months later, I was at an NA meeting.  The meeting had started already when a young man walked in.  I spotted him immediately and recognized him.  He'd already sat down before he spotted me.  When he did, he panicked.  I was panicked too but tried really hard not to show it.  All he said was, "I done something really really bad" over and over again.  It was like he couldn't look at me but he couldn't not look at me either.  At the end of the meeting, I bolted.  I've never been back to that meeting.  Years pass.  Life happens.  I marry and move to a new house in a different town.  I join the fire department.  And then, one day, my pager goes off, "respond to so and so, such and such lane for a vehicle on fire."  I suit up and hop on the engine with the other firefighters.  We arrive on scene to find a car burning and a man staggering away from the burning mess.  The men on my truck and on the truck behind us go to work fighting the fire.  I grab a medical bag and radio and walk toward the man who we saw staggering away from the fire.  I find him lying on the ground, gasping for air.  As I kneel beside him, I recognize him.  I first flash with rage and think I'll kill him.  Then I see that he's suffered smoke inhalation.  I radio our medic for permission to begin to treat him.  As I am putting the oxygen mask over his face, he recognizes me.  He's too weak to stand up and run.  He sees that I am the one in power.  The medical truck arrives and helps me with patient care.  Since there was an initial explosion, the man was thrown.  So we procede with full spinal precautions.  We strap and tape him to a backboard.  All through this, he's crying like a baby.  His tears making streaks on his soot covered face.  He keeps saying, "I'm sorry.  I'm so so sorry."  The other people treating him have no idea and think he's just upset about the fire.  I know.  I saw the fear in his eyes.  I reached out my hand and held his.  Yes, we both knew.  He had been one of the men who raped me that night.  We both knew that I could have probably killed him that day.  I got to make my own justice happen by being present to his fear.  I held his hand our of kindness.  And when the ambulance took him away, I sat down and cried.  For me, that day, justice had been served.  

If you're waiting for the courts to bring you justice, you'll never find it.  But, if you choose to live your life with your head held high, then one day, justice might find you.  Will you be open and ready when it does?  By living your life, one day at a time, keeping alive, move beyond surviving each moment, learn to find joy, learn to love your beautiful self, then you earn back justice.  No, you can never again have what was stolen from you.  Mourn that loss.  Be sad.  Be angry, rage and scream.  And continue to live.  It's by living every day that we bring ourselves justice. 

So, dear strong anonymous woman, kudos to you.  You are my hero.  I believe you.  And I am so, so proud of you.


Friday, March 1, 2013


For me, watching cows
is relaxing.
It's like listening to Mozart.
Or sitting next to a burbling stream.

Cows are slow and methodical.
They are predictable. 
They like same-ness.

They like to be fed at the same time each day
by the same people
in the same truck
wearing the same coat.

And if, you're different
or in a different truck
with a different coat,
cows are not sure of you. 

Certainly not sure
of a little boy
who is never quiet
and never still.

He sure is cute though, 
isn't he?

Cows don't like hands.
Maybe they're on to something. 

I visit the cows up the road from us at least once a day. 
I'd like to think that they know me by now,
that I'm part of their "regular".

They're sure part of my "regular".
I park my car in the same spot.
I sit in the same spot on the new spring grass.
And I watch.
And, slowly, I relax. 


Toilet Paper Theory

My brilliant young son . . .  Oy . . .  He's come up with a theory.

It's understood that toilet paper ends up in the toilet, is it not?  Of course!

So, why not bypass the messy job of wiping one's butt with toilet paper and simply put the toilet paper into the toilet?

The entire roll.


"Because, Mommy, it's easier that way and I don't get poop on my hands."

Well, who am I to argue with such sound theory?