Fucked

I'm fucked in the head. For me, the issue of food, weight, eating, not eating, being thin, fat, living in my body, is OLD! It's been around for a LONG time.

I'm fat. I'm trying to lose weight. I do well for a week or a month or maybe even two months. Then I slip. I panic. I gain it back. And I panic again. I hate it.

I'm hungry. That makes me mad. I want to be sleeping. Instead I'm laying here being pissed that I'm hungry. I know that I'm going to get up and pour myself a big bowl of cheerios and put brown sugar and peanut butter and milk on it. Then I'm going to eat it. I know that I don't need that much. It's a ton of calories. It's more than I need. It's almost like i HAVE to. I'm panicked that I'm hungry and then I eat crap and panic about that. WTF? It is crazy. It makes me feel crazy. I hate it! I can't sleep until I eat. Why am I this way? It feels almost as crazy as it felt when I was scary skinny at 100 pounds. I hate myself sometimes.

HBK