food journal 1/10/14 (enlightening reading! sarcasm, anyone?)

before breakfast:  82
breakfast of chicken broth, one poached egg, chicken, green beans, butter, coffee, half and half.  headache.  grumble guts
1 hr after eating:  91.  headache.
2 hrs after eating:  93.  headache.  grumble guts
spoonful of ccnut oil/butter/honey "candy"
before lunch:  92.  headache. guts better.  heartburn.
lunch of GAPS ramen (chicken broth, finely shredded napa cabbage), lightly poached egg,. roasted dandelion tea.
1 hr after lunch:  90.  headache.  weather on its way.  heartburn.  anxious.
2 hrs after lunch:  96
snack of 1 cup winter squash, 1 T butter, honey, 2/3 cup whole milk yogurt.  headache.  took 2 lortab and 1 phenergan.  it's worsening and migraine is on top of me.  weather is changing.  sky heavy to the west and south but weather coming from the north west.  worked outside with K to tie things down before the storm.  feeling anxious and overwhelmed.
2 hrs after snack:  88
before evening snack:  80
snack of yogurt, coconut oil and honey.  migraine.  feel anxious and overwhelmed.
bedtime sugar, 2 hrs after snack:  87.  very tired.  heartburn.  tried lemon juice, water and a bit of honey.  i think that helped.  very thirsty but drinking water makes me queasy and makes he heartburn worse.  so, so tired.  can hardly keep my eyes open.

thoughts on the day.
coulda used more protein.  today my protein was chicken, gelatin in broth, 2 poached eggs, yogurt twice.

i worked hard today.  clean a lot.  the kitchen looks nice.  pulled stove apart, cleaned under it, fixed it and put it back.  cleaned the drawer and put kettles away.  didn't think that silly project would take me 2 hours.  but the good part is that i got it done!

head is spinning, feel like i need a bucket next to the bed.  body aches.  going to open my window a crack and put 'puter away and try to sleep.

hbk

For the Record

There are a LOT of things that need doing that I have NOT been doing.  They are, some simple, some not so simple things that are part of living every day.  They are part of keeping up my home.  They are part of taking care of myself.  They are part of living in relationship.  They are part of taking care of my family.

In an attempt to see my progress, and also to be accountable, I've made lists of these things I need to be doing.  Might seem like over-kill, listing each little thing.  But if you've lived as I have, always sick, always in pain, in the dark, barely dragging through each day, you'll know that each tiny task is not such a tiny deal.

Every day, I need to:
open my bedroom windows - let the light in
make my bed
take fermented cod liver oil and probiotic with warm water or tea (part of the GAPS thing)
eat breakfast
take my morning meds
brush my teeth
run the dishwasher
wipe down the kitchen counters
wipe out the kitchen sink
sweep the kitchen floor
sweep the living room floor
wipe down the toilet (inside too)
wipe down the bathroom counter and sink
feed the dogs breakfast
let the chickens out and give them food and water, gather the eggs
get a clean dish rag and dish towel in the kitchen
get a clean hand towel in the bathroom
feed the cats
get the dogs fresh water
wipe down the stove
do one load of laundry
take the compost out
feed the dogs dinner
put the chickens to bed
spend quality time with Little Bear
take my evening meds
take a detox bath (it's part of the GAPS thing)
eat lunch
eat dinner with the family
clean each pot or pan when I'm finished using it
track my blood sugar (for now, until it evens out)
give thanks daily (because that's a healthy thing to do)
encourage another person every day (because it's NOT all about me)
do something nice or thoughtful for K every day (because she's my wife and deserves to be treated with utmost love and respect)
drink less coffee than i did yesterday (no coffee on GAPS)
do some activity that makes me move my body
drink at least 64 oz water
drink at least 12 oz broth (another GAPS thing)
eat only GAPS legal food

So, yup.  That's my daily to do list.  I know I won't probably manage to do all these things every day.  But I will try.

hbk

Slow Down

Slow down and enjoy the journey.  Ok, that could work.  

Stress happens because I push to have things happen before their time.  Uh, yup.  

That is a good lesson for me about my body.  This GAPS thing is so, so hard.  It triggers the shit out of me having to eat so much meat.  But if I don’t eat meat, my blood sugar crashes and that can be life threatening.  

I want a quick fix.  I want to feel better NOW, damn it!  It’s so hard for me to know that it took me decades to get to where I am now and it won’t happen all at once.  The journey IS hard.  It hurts.  Every day.  It’s work, hard work.  And I know, in the core of me, that I’m doing what I need to be doing.  I can’t say how I know but I do.  I guess that’s the trust part, isn’t it?  

Anyway, onward.  Toward the One.  Toward health.  Slowly, so I can enjoy each tiny triumph, each tiny progress.  Don’t rush, just keep trying.  

hbk

Tenderness and Hope

"God is our refuge and strength,
     an ever-present help in trouble."
Psalm 46:1

"Be joyful in hope . . . "
Romans 12:12

Today's reading is about hope.  And tenderness.  It's about how God is tender with his hurting children.  It talks about how hope is like an golden cord connecting me to God.  I really like that image.  I cling to hope, as a sort of umbilical cord.  A lifeline.

On good days, or days when things aren't absolutely terrible but I'm feeling some of the pain of living, like today (my body hurts.  i have a migraine.), I take comfort in the idea that God is tender with me.  I like that word, "tender".   God tends to me.

This song comes to mind today.  It's by Amy Grant.  Don't hold that against me.  I like the middle part.  It's a good mantra for me.

"Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy
Breath of Heaven."

hbk

Unanswered Cries

I was given a book.  The book is "Jesus Calling".   I was given this book some 3 years ago.  It felt like a taunt.  I gave it away.  A few days ago, I was given this book again.  By the same person.  So I decided to give it a try.

Today's entry says
"I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Come to me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish.   . . . . . . Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark.  The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation . . .   . . . "

My thoughts,  edited as best I can to say what needs to be said in a way that's appropriate. 

I’ve gotta say that today's reading only works for me if I have blinders on and don’t remember the past.  Because I have such clear memories of being a small girl, in a dry wheat field at night, cold and barefoot in the wind, if i was lucky to have a blanket, it would be stained or *** **** *****, ********* ****.  I would pray, "God, please help me.  Jesus, please, come for me now.  If you’re real, help me.”  Nobody came.  Sometimes I’d give up and curl up on the lumpy ground and try to stop breathing. Sometimes I’d just wait.  And watch.  And let the elders finish what they were doing so I could get cleansed (by one of them) and go home, to walk silently up the driveway and crawl into my bedroom window to my bed.  

Now, when I read today’s words, those are the predominant thoughts I have.  And, I’m angry.  And choking back tears for her.  I want to yell at God, “Damn it!  Where were you?  Didn’t you see?  Why did you let her (me) be so terribly hurt?  Why did you wait so long?”  It’s very hard for me to take today’s words and keep them in today.  Because all day, every day, I take my experiences with me.  All day, I know what happened back then.  

It doesn’t seem fair to close that window or shut that door on that knowing so I can read these words today in relative comfort.  It seems glib, bumper-sticker-ish, and fake.  I'm not willing to do that to her - to me.  

hbk

post script.  

If my blog upsets you, it should.  You are free not to read it.  Things happened that shouldn't have happened.  I will no longer be silent.  I write in an attempt to reconcile my experiences with my todays, so that I may become whole and walk toward healing. 

Rilke

"Death is our friend precisely because it brings us into absolute and passionate presence with all that is here, that is natural, that is love. . . Life always says Yes and No simultaneously.  Death (I implore you to believe) is the true Yea-sayer.  It stands before eternity and says only: Yes."

from Letter to Countess Margot Sizzo-Noris-Crouy.  Ephiphany, 1923.

Another Damned Monday

What's up with this so many Monday's in a row bullshit, anyway?  Oh, right.  Last week had a "Monday" on a Thursday and that threw a wrench in everything.  It sucks to have another Monday so soon.

Today was mixed for me.  I woke up very tired.  I got kiddo on the bus for school then came back and started yogurt (again, Little Bear put onion in the last batch, so delish!), went to work, came home, started chicken broth, started oxtail broth, made "jerky, put a bunch of kitchen stuff away.  Then crashed.

And, after I crashed, I ate.  Non-GAPS (intro) stuff.  I had the gross onion yogurt (that curdled) with coconut oil chunks, honey and peanut butter on it.  I'm pissed.  Because I try so fekking hard.  And because a slip like this means more days that I have to be on this intro part of the diet.  I suck!

hbk

Calling to me

Hosea  (Come back to me)

by Steve Bell and Gregory Norbet

Come back to me

with all your heart

Don't let fear

keep us apart

Trees do bend

though straight and tall

So must we 

to others call

Long have I waited for your your come coming

home to me and living deeply our new life

The wilderness

will lead you

To your heart

where I will speak

Integrity

and justice

With tenderness

you shall know

And long have I waited for your coming home to me

and living deeply our new life. 

Long have I waited for your coming home to me

and living deeply our new life. 

You shall sleep

secure with peace

Faithfulness

will be your joy

Long have I waited for your coming home to me

and living deeply our new life

Long have I waited for your coming home to me

and living deeply our new life

Come back to me . . .

I hear this song deeply right now.  It resonates with my soul.  Love is calling me home.  I am calling be home, to my body.  My Sweet is calling me home, to our marriage.  God is calling me home, home to His presence to rest, to heal.  

Today, when I took the Bread and the Wine, I thought of this song.  I want to come home.  Home to nature.  Home to my heart.  Home to my truth.  Home to Love.

To me, it feels like a promise.  I choose to believe it is.  And I claim it.  This will be my mantra, my hope, my prayer.  

hbk

Stage 3!

Well, I've made it to Stage 3 on the Intro part of the GAPS diet.  I'm pretty proud.  Now I can have chicken broth, soft cooked veggies (almost any soft cooked veggie), soft cooked or raw eggs, boiled chicken (or other boiled meat), home made yogurt, home made kraut and honey.  I can have ginger and black/white pepper and salt to season my food.

My body doesn't feel great.  I woke up this morning with a pretty big migraine.  Didn't take anything for it but pushed on with my day anyway.  Had coffee and cream (not GAPS legal, but I'm trying to learn to listen to my body and I hear my body saying that it needs coffee!) and drove to Hamilton to assist with a child restraint check event.  Took 600mg ibu and am now home, sans migraine.

I cooked a yummy lunch for myself.  Put chicken broth in a sautee' pan.  Add thinly sliced chicken.  Add thinly sliced onion.  Add brussell sprouts.  Add an egg to poach.  Salt the egg and the chicken.  Added about 3 Tbs home made kraut to my plate.  Might sound kind of off flavor to you but for me, after over a week on mostly just cx broth and yogurt, it was really, really good!  And I was proud to know that everything I put on my plate and in my body was healing for my body.

Now, I'm making more yogurt.  We're going through a LOT of yogurt.  Little Bear eats up to 4 cups of it a day.  My Sweet eats it at least every evening.  And now I too eat it several times a day.  It's good!  But that means that I have to make a gallon of yogurt about every 2nd or 3rd day.

Wanna know how I make my most delicious yogurt?  I knew you did.  Ok, twist my arm.  I'll tell you.

Start with a clean large kettle.  Pour 1 gallon of whole organic (pasteurized because that's the only way we can get it where I live) into the pot.  Stick a candy thermometer into it.  Turn on the stove to half plus one setting.  Stir every very few minutes.  Watch the temp.  When the milk reaches 185 degrees F, turn the stove off.  Leave it on the stove so it can slowly begin to cool.  The longer the milk stays at 185 degrees, the thicker your final yogurt will be.  So, depending on how much time I have, I may let it sit there on the stove for an hour.  Anyway, let the milk cool (maybe put it in a sink of cold water if you're short on time) to between 120 and 110 degrees F.  At this temp, it's safe to add your probiotic, your culture, your starter or whatever it is you're going to use to ferment your milk.  Yes, yogurt is fermented milk.  I use a probiotic capsule.  Whatever kind we're using this month (different every month).  The kind I'm using this month takes longer to ferment the milk into a thick yogurt.  Some are quick.  Anyway, after you've added your culture (can also be 8 oz of store bought plain live yogurt or some whey from the last batch, or, yogurt starter, which you can spend lots of money on at a health food store), your milk needs to sit for at least 24 hours in a warm still place.  I find that if I set the oven to "warm" for a few minutes, it creates just such a spot.  I usually make yogurt in the afternoon.  So, to keep my milk warm over night, I'll sometimes pop the oven on "warm" for about 2 minutes before I go to bed, and again in the morning.  The milk needs to ferment for at least 24 hours for the good bugs to transform the lactose and casein into proteins that are easily digested.  So, there ya go.  Yogurt.

Have a good resta the day, eh?

hbk

Feels Like A Monday

Doesn't it?  Who thought it would be a good idea to have kids start school today?  Not me!

***noonish***
Anyway, I didn't sleep well last night.  Tossed and turned.  Up and down.  Couldn't settle.  Couldn't relax.  I wonder if it's because I didn't take narcotics at night.  Could be.  My body has been used to having them for better part of a year or more.

And, because I was up, I ate.  I had yogurt with coconut oil, little bit of honey (but probably too much) and peanut butter (not approved for the stage I'm in).  And then I had more yogurt, this time with coconut oil (craving that for some reason), frozen blueberries (not approved for the stage I'm in) and more honey (still too much).  Still awake later, so, um, I ate more, der.  A spoon full of peanut butter (Nope, not GAPS legal on Intro Stage 1).

I slept through my alarm this morning.  Woke up groggy.  Not too much physical pain.  But ya know what?  I have a migraine.  Yes, I do.  Lots of visual aura and flashes of intense, breath-stopping, nauseating head pain.  And lots of sound sensitivity.  So that right now, the tv in the next room is painful.  And the sloshing noise of the dishwasher behind me is dizzying.

So, dear Heidi, what do you learn?  Perhaps that you get migraines on Thursdays that feel like Mondays.  Really?  Maybe.  Or, could there be a link between what you ate last night, and . . . . wait for it . . . how you feel TODAY?  Hmmmm. . .  I'll think about that one.  Eat peanut butter, blueberries and honey at night, get a migraine in the morning.  Sweet Heidi, maybe, just maybe your body isn't ready for these foods just yet.  Maybe the doctor who researched and designed this way of eating actually knew what she was doing.  Science back it up.  Experience of thousands of other people back it up.  So why, then, do I fight it?  Because it's in my nature.  Poor excuse.  But true.

****2-ish****
I tried to eat some chicken in my breakfast soup.  Couldn't hack it.  Couldn't even finish the soup around the bits of chicken.  That made the dogs happy because they got to fight over it.

For lunch, I tried again.  I set about 3/4 of a large onion, thinly sliced to sautee' with some butter and chicken broth.  I added thinly sliced carrots.  These cooked over low heat while I puttered with other things.  When the carrots were soft, I made a spot in the center of the pan and added 5 very thin slices of chicken breast, which I salted and cooked there, turning, until they were cooked through.  I ate all but one.  And most of the carrots and onions.  I ate until I was full.  It felt panicky eating the chicken but I just breathed and chewed and swallowed and thought about how it would nourish, fuel and heal my body.  This is progress.

****5pm-ish****
Sure does feel like a Monday.  Ugh.  I'm hungry and have no energy.  My kid, however, is outside shooting off fireworks.  My apologies to my neighbors with sleeping babies.

Over the past few months, I've been slowly trying to find alternatives to the things we use every day that are loaded with chemicals that I don't really want my family to put in or on our bodies.  I've learned to make a really neat shampoo (bar).  I make all our soap.  I make several different salves that we use regularly.  And, today, I tackled pit stick.  Cause, well, I don't want to stink and I REALLY don't want to continue to poison myself as I have been every day since I was 12.  I made 2 different "flavors".  One for me, one for my Sweet.  I'll let you know what we think of them in a week or so.

****7pm-ish****
I'm crabby.  I'm trying as hard as I can on this GAPS thing.  And right now, I feel like throwing in the towel.  I am craving sweets like crazy.  It sucks!  You don't think sugar addiction is real?  I'm here ta tell you that, yes, it's real.

****10pm-ish****
Just had a complete emotional break down. I asked my wife if we 

could touch. I wasn't asking for sex. Just wanted to touch her. 

Turned in to me crying so hard I couldn't breathe, having 

flashbacks to **** ****** laying on my chest, being **** down and 

*****. What is wrong with me? All I wanted was a simple 

conversation of connection and some touch. Maybe hold hands as 

we fall asleep next to each other. Right now I'm feeling seriously 

tetched in the head, off my nut, spun out. Does this diet ever 

cause people to go crazy? Or maybe crazier? Because seriously, i 

feel like crazy is chasing me and I can't outrun it.


This concludes the Fucking Monday on a Thursday.

hbk

Negativity

I've heard, from more than one source, that I've been overwhelmingly negative as of late.  Look at it, I think it's true.  I've been bitchy.  I've whined.  I've complained.  I've turned every comment or action into something negative.  I hurt, I'm stuck, I'm lost, I don't know what to do, it sucks, etc.  It's been true.

I don't know if me spewing all this negativity is me saying that I'm at the end of my rope?  Because I am.  I don't know if it's my psyche detoxing through my mouth?  Could be, the rest of me is detoxing.  I don't know if it's a sign of just how dark the depression is?  Because it's dark.  Maybe a mix of all 3?  Or more?  I don't know.  And that's not a cop out.  That's honest.

Thank you, though, for calling it to my attention.  I wasn't aware that I was being overwhelmingly negative.  I was aware of trying to verbalize my experience.  I'm so used to having experiences that I think are real, only to be told by someone else, "No, you got it wrong.  It didn't happen like that.  You got it mixed up in your head.  What you think happened never even happened at all."  I think I'm trying to validate my experience by verbalizing it.  To me, that makes sense.

I am aware, that by verbalizing my experience, I may trigger discomfort in other people.  To me, right now, that's okay.  I don't want to go around tripping other people up, no, that's not it.  What I'm not doing is protecting other people's comfort.  I feel like I need to somehow validate my experiences.  For me, verbalizing it helps to validate it.  I'm not trying to be manipulative.  I'm not trying to scare anybody.  I'm trying to survive.  I'm trying to make sure that my experience is real.  Because people see real things.  And people hear real things.  By saying what this feels like, or what that feels like, I'm trying to make it real for myself.

I am real.  My experiences are real.  It is safe to be seen (I hope).  It is safe to be heard (I hope).  It is safe to be real (I hope).

hbk

A Week In

Hi all. I'm a week in now. On Intro stage 1 still. I've let go of any expectations of spending a day on each stage. I woke this morning with no migraine! My body still hurts, but not as much as it did to start. I feel a bit more upbeat. My mind can make about half a thought now without completely fogging out. Today I got up (after a crazy late and exhausting night last night) after sleeping in and cooked a nice breakfast for my wife and kid. I drank my warm water (with weak coffee and cream, cause, not everything at once), and took my fclo and pbx pill. ready now for broth with added cooked mushrooms and cooked carrots. I'm still dumping toxins and other stuff. I have slime coming out all over. It'd gross. And I think I may be starting to lose some water weight. I'm down to 218 (from 225 a week ago). Things are looking up.

I forgot to mention a strange bit.  I'm blowing my nose non-stop and it's been very productive.  Also, I'm a firefighter.  Anyway, today I blow and blow and blow then look around because I smell smoke.  It's the certain smell of smoke from a structure fire.  It's bad smoke (all smoke is bad but some is, well, badder.).  Then I realize that the smell is coming out of my nose!  So I think back.  When was the last structure fire I was on that I "sucked smoke"?  That was late this past summer.  I think that is a good marker for me as to where my body is in going back in time detoxing.  I know that my body absorbs toxins when I'm on a fire.  Yes, we take precautions.  But it's part of the job.  Even being very careful, sometimes firefighters breathe smoke.  And we work around all sorts of toxic stuff.  Anyway, my nose, anyway, is working on detoxing stuff from, oh, September-ish.  It's stinky structure fire smoke stuff.  Kinda makes me laugh. 

It's now about 5pm.  I'm cooking dinner.  For myself and for my family.  For me, chicken broth, about half an onion and thinly sliced carrots.  I got brave and shaved a tiny bit off a frozen cx breast, cooked it in ccnut oil and added it to my soup.  I do not like chicken.  But I'm eating it.  Because it will heal me.  Yup.  For my family, I am cooking a GAPS friendly turkey sausage, onions, green beans and carrots.  Luken will love it!  

I'm feeling proud.  Today is the first day since I started GAPS that I have gotten out of bed when I woke up in the morning and stayed out of bed all day.  Not only have I stayed out of bed, I've gotten shit done!  I've deep cleaned part of the kitchen.  Not the whole thing, as was my goal, but about a third of it.  I'm trying not to beat myself up for not doing more but I understand that I gotta start somewhere.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm tired.  And I'll be ready for bed tonight.  But I have stayed UP all day!  I'm not usually able to do that.  And I still don't have a migraine!  

I'm afraid to hope.  So many times I have hoped and worked hard and it hasn't helped.  Help me hope, ok?  And be patient with me when I fuck up.  Because I will.  I approach this journey with a fair amount of fear.  

hbk

Kiss the Fiddler

Hey, did you know that I make soaps?  Yup, I do.  And it's fun.  They're really neat.  All sorts of different kinds.  I just know you want to buy some.  You can check them out HERE.

You can order by messaging me on the Kiss the Fiddler FB page.  If you use PayPal, I'll send you an invoice that way.  If you don't, we'll figure something else out.  All the profits go to a good cause - helping to support a family in need this week, and, uh, me and my family most of the rest of the time.  So, go shopping, y'all!

hbk

Dark Chocolate Black Sea Salt Caramel Fail

Fail!  Dark chocolate black sea salt caramel bar.  Rec'd as a Christmas gift (with a LOT of other dark choc bars).  It's like the damn thing was taunting me.  Come on!  You can't resist me!  Yup, right.  I can't.  Pissed at myself and now have another migraine.  Heidi, do  you see the link between food and your body?  I've tried for years to sever that link but now knowing about the link is going to save my life.  I used to weigh 100 pounds (I'm 5 ft nearly 8).  I don't have the words to relay how much this f*cks with my head.  I'm so frustrated with myself right now!

Day 4 and a bit better!

Day 4.  And I feel a little bit better!  I felt good enough to drive to town for necessary groceries.  Came home, started broth and made soup.  The soup is yummy.  Water, carrots, ginger and about a quart of frozen pumpkin from our freezer.  Cooked it all together, whizzed it with a stick blender and salted to taste.  Soft cooked veggies.  I hope it's GAPS legal because it's what I'm slurping before I crash.

This morning's migraine responded well to relpax and lortab.  It's gone.  I'm left with brain fog but for me, that's normal.  And plenty of tension in my neck and shoulders causing a tension headache.  Again, normal for me.

Anyway . . .  nap.

hbk

please, someone, take that ice pick out of my skull. it hurts.

woke in the night with a terrible migraine. took migraine meds (lortab, phenergan, relpax, ativan) and crawled into a detox bath. bath felt good. i get this kind of headache when i go off coffee. but i'm not. i'm just very slowly cutting down. i did add kraut yesterday and wanted way more than i ate. i swear, i coulda eaten the entire jar, it was so good and crunchy and hit the spot just right. maybe it's too early to add kraut. maybe i have a migraine just because (don't need a reason). at any rate, whew. 

my goals for today:
go to store and buy more chicken bits for more broth
spend 10 minutes outside, whether i feel up to it or not. 
keep up with drinking broth
keep up with drinking water
take at least 1 detox bath
keep up on soft veggies in broth
keep up on yogurt
keep u p on coconut oil in yogurt
keep up on drizzle of oney in yogurt
keep up on frozen blueberries in yogurt. 
keep up on fclo and start budget envelope to buy more
keep up on pbx pill

i will give the kraut a break today and try it again tomorrow. 

i really want to add pumpkin but want to be careful and only do one new thing at a time so i know exactly what my body is reacting to. thoughtsh?

GAPS day 3

And I feel like crap.  Or worse.  I swear, everything and then some hurts.  Today I have a thick white coating on both my tonsils.  I didn't sleep well last night.  Tossed and turned a lot.  Took another detox bath this morning, this time with just baking soda.  That felt good and I'm now less itchy.  I'm puffy though.  My hands are puffy enough that it's difficult to make fists.  I'm guessing that it's probably toxins in fluid all over my body.  I'll continue to push broth/stock and water.  I stepped on the scale today (cause it's Saturday) and I weigh 221.0.  That's down 4 pounds in 3 days.  I know it's fluid.  And I know I'm still quite fluid heavy.  Drink, drink, drink, eh?

I know that coffee isn't GAPS legal.  The wean sucks.  I am still drinking coffee in the morning.  Less than a cup today.  With half and half.  I know better than to just stop coffee cold turkey.  Been there, done that.

It seems like the more broth I drink, the more horrid snot I make.  I hope it's my body's way of cleaning house.  Although I suspect I have a bacterial infection and probably tons of yeast in my sinuses.  Not sure how to go about treating it in a GAPS legal way.  I've been taking an Elderberry Elixer that my herbalist mother made for me.  Maybe that will help.

Ok, gonna crawl back into bed.  Have a good day, y'all.

hbk

Crazy Red Itch Must Have Water Now!

I'm panicked.  I just attempted a detox bath.  Scrubbed the tub.  Put the appropriate amount of pretty hot water in it.  Dumped in 2 cups of epsom salts.  Put a fist full of epsom salts in a glass and added 6 drops of frankincense oil and 6 drops of oregano oil.  Dumped mixture into the tub.  Stirred with my foot and got in.  Within seconds, it felt like my skin all over my entire body was on fire with terrible itchiness.  It itched so much that I hyperventilated and made myself dizzy.  I scrubbed with a wash cloth.  All over and hard.  When I couldn't stand it any longer, I drained the tub and showered off with just water.  My skin is beet red, no hives but feels all prickly and itchy.  I feel like I need to rip my skin off me!  The sensation is so intense that it's nauseating.  So I have a plug of ginger in my lip.  I'm shaking all over and feel very weak.

I'm confused.  I take baths.  I use epsom salts.  I use those oils externally.  Nothing really new except the parts put together at the end of a day like today.  Is it a normal GAPS response to a detox bath to have one's skin react so immediately and so intensely?  It feels better now that I'm out and dried off but I still itch crazy!  i was going to ask my sweet to rub calming salve on my skin because it feels good but now I don't want anything to touch me, not even undies or a sheet.  WTF happened?

Another thing worth noting is that I have an overwhelming craving for pink salt and ice water.  I can't drink water fast enough.  It's like I'm desperate to get it into my body.

hbk

Day 2 of GAPS

Day 2 of floundering around in GAPS. Yesterday sucked. Today I feel worse. One of the meds I take is cymbalta. When I miss a dose, my body feels like there's random jolts of electricity going through it whenever I move. I haven't missed a dose but I feel like that today. 

I took the meat and bones out of my broth. I couldn't bear seeing them in there every time I open the lid. I also added part of an onion, some green pepper, some mushroom and some celery. Maybe that will help the flavor.

Today I'll start taking a liver tonic I made over the summer. I'd forgotten completely about it until now. I hope that helps my body get rid of toxins by boosting my liver's function and help me feel better because honestly, I feel like I've been drug behind a train

I have a great little cheer leader. My son! He is being so, so sweet to me. He says things like, "Mommy, drink your broth really really fast if you don't like it. It's medicine for your body." Aren't I lucky to have him? I know, huh? Yah.

So, onward. Broth. Liver tonic. Probiotic. Yogurt. I'm determined. Please pray for me. Because this hurts. It feels right but it hurts. A lot.

Just to be clear, I will NOT be weaning any meds without both my MD and my DO's approval and help. Oh, and my Pharm guy too. For a Pharm guy, he's amazingly open and diverse and not attached to any particular big pharma way of thinking. He breaks it down chemically and hormonally and even draws it out on paper what the chemicals are (or aren't) doing. So, no, no meds changes just yet. And, surprisingly, my meds list now, long as it is, is shorter than it was a year ago. I used to qualify as having type 2 diabetes and take meds for that as well. I used to take even more antihistimines than I do now. And more stomach acid meds (3 total of those). I know how I got to where I am with meds. I've gradually increased over the period of 30 years (i'm 41 now). I understand that it will take time to safely wean off big pharma. I can be patient for that.

My wife is very supportive. It was she who first suggested GAPS for our son. I thought it was snake oil science. She also knows that she can't win. With my hx of eating disorders, she's learned not to even try to talk to me about food. It just ends up being a fight. That's one of the reasons this is so difficult for me. It's making me be honest about food. What I'm eating. What I'm not eating. What i'm hiding. What I'm purging, etc. It really does frack with my head.

Another "issue" is that I get paid to promote ViSalus. I have been on the Challenge and, though it made me sicker, I did lose weight and got more energy. I've gained all the weight back. I feel caught between earning a few extra dollars a month (enough for a tank of gas for my car) and backing out of Vi. I think they have something good for a segment of the population that's unwilling or unable to look at food closely as GAPS requires. I no longer use Vi (soy, fake sugars, whey) but I do still have clients on it and I use it as currency in my barter community. I feel like a hippocrit. No, I don't spell.

hbk

Crawling Back

Hi.  It's me.  And I've come crawling back here.  To this blog.  To this place of safety and self expression.  I say crawling because I am.  Barely.

I've become so unhealthy that what shred of dignity and function I used to have is gone.  My weight is at an all time high at 225.  I am deeply depressed and in pain all the time.  I need help.  And I've looked for help far and wide.  The person I need help from is me.  I need to make a change.  I need my life back.  My child needs his mama back.  My wife needs her partner back.  And I'm sick and scared to death.

For over a year now, my son, who has Autism, has been on the GAPS diet.  It's changed his life.  I want what he has.  I grew up vegetarian and can't stand the taste of meat.  The GAPS diet is based around bone broths.  It's highly researched and carefully designed to heal the gut, mind and body.  I desperately need what it has to offer.  And I'm absolutely terrified.

I plan on using this space, this blog, as a place to journal my journey.  It's not going to be easy.  I will try to be honest.  I'm not writing it for my readers but you're welcome to come along if you want.  If you do come along, please offer me your support.  I'll need it.

Today, the day after Christmas, I am sick.  I'm coughing to the point of gagging.  I have a splitting headache (no, I'm not hung over).  I feel like throwing up.  My entire body hurts.  I've taken my morning meds (cymbalta, gabapentin, zyrtec, lisinopril, cranberry tabs) as well as phenergan and lortab.  I'm sipping on my now cold coffee with half and half in it and I just took some probiotics because I figured, why not, right?  I loaded the dishwasher, added home made detergent, set it to start.  I took 4 chicken drumsticks out of the freezer and put them in a pot with water and salt and unflavored beef gelatin and set them to cook.  I poured a dram of elderberry elixer and crawled back into bed.  Here begins the journey.

hbk