My Heart Is Breaking

Something's happening with my sweet little boy. I think it's more than his being three. He is out of control. He does the opposite of whatever I ask him to do. The throws toys to hurt. He bites (me, the dogs, anything). He kick. He is generally acting out much of the time. It doesn't seem to matter whether I'm please and cuddly, reward him, take things away, put him in time out, spank him, or send him to his room. Nothing works. I am in over my head

I feel like I live in a jail. There are locks on the top of all our doors. We are ruled by his tantrums and fussing. Nobody is happy.

What happened. I love my little boy so much and it's breaking my heart seeing him so unhappy. I can't seem to break us out of whatever this is.

I have minimally researched Sensory Processing Disorder. It fits. Like REALLY fits. I actually wondered about that when he was tiny and would throw a fit if I used a different sheet on his bed or if the sheet had a wrinkle in it.

We have an appointment with his Pediatrician tomorrow to talk. I am at a loss.

He's screaming in his room right now because he threw his lunch on the floor. I just put it away and put him in his bed for a nap and walked away, locking the door behind me.

I cry more over him right now that I've cried over anything in a long time. I feel so defeated. I feel like I'm not going to survive until we figure out a way to help him. I am so used up. I just want to enjoy by little boy again. I want him to be happy.

HBK

Rain

After a hard day yesterday and a night of tears, I woke this morning to rain. The cool clean drops feel like kisses from God on my tear burned face. Thank you, Sky, for the rain.

HBK

Family Hike

Aren't I lucky?

Today was the perfect day for an afternoon hike with the family. We took kiddo and dogs up to the Bass Creek trailhead and hiked up to the log jam. It's a long hike for this fat mama and a long hike for a 3 year old. One website I found lists this trail as moderate in difficulty and states that it's 2.5 miles up to the log jam. Luken hiked most of the way up on his own. I carried him down while he slept crammed between my pack and by back. It felt like his 37 pounds became 50. Whew!

Here's Belle (swimming) and Fizz (waiting to harass her).

Luken enjoyed climbing on the logs along the shore.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

We had a great time though. We need to make it a goal to hike up to the pond a couple times each summer.

HBK

P. S.

Now, several hours after the hike, I can barely move. Oy . . . My EVERYTHING hurts!

hbk

Progress!

Where there's smoke . . .

Yup, it's here alright. Fire season exploded around us yesterday. Every coupla years, there is a fire that is too close to Missoula for comfort. This year, it's the West Riverside Fire. Driving home from Hamilton yesterday evening, I watched the smoke column grow. I could tell by the smoke that there was extreme fire behavior. In my rear view mirror, I watched the smoke from the Saddle Creek Complex.

Yesterday was the kind of day that makes firefighters either nervous or excited. You can tell that the weather is shifting. The winds were erratic. It was Hot. And it was Dry! The kind of hot and dry that sucks the moisture right our of you when you step into it. Hot and dry like fine dust that burrows it's way under your skin without you quite noticing it until you all of the sudden feel like your face is on fire. Yesterday was like that.

Today, also hot and dry but not quite as extreme as yesterday, Larkin and I went to a spot where we could see the West Riverside Fire. It's burning near her house and she can see the flames from it at night out her bedroom window. We watched the fire planes drop slurry along the west flank of the fire. Great huge heavy planes that you think might just fall out of the air they move so slow. We saw single tree torching and several hot spots on the interior of the fire. A single helicopter was working with a bucket on a long line on a spot up by the ridge along the western flank. He made his circles: filling at the river, flying up and east, rising then heading west and up to the hot spot on the ridge, hover still to get the water to drop in exactly the right spot then a white splash and back down around to the fill site - over and over, around and around. We got hot standing in the dust along the road so although it would have been fun to stay and watch the air show, we left.

Tonight, the sky boasts several smoke streaks and smudges. Red and brown against the fading bright blue of dusk. The wind will decide if the smoke sinks in, smothering the vallies or if it disperses and lets us breathe.

This hot dry weather is supposed to continue until Saturday when there is a chance of thunder storms. We'll see.

For info on the afore mentioned fires, you can check here for the West Riverside Fire and here for the Saddle Complex Fire

HBK

On Leaving

My 2 best friends (aside from my wife) are leaving this week. Daye and her sweet kids are going home to Japan. And Larkin and her kids are heading west. This means that Luken's 2 best friends are also leaving. It's been a fun summer for him playing with Willow and Mac.

Daye is flying out tomorrow. I'd thought we'd get together for Willow's birthday. Nope. She will bring the car back today. I hope I get to see her before she goes.

I'm not sure when Larkin is leaving. We get to take care of Emma while she's gone.

I just feel sad. I don't want to say good-bye to either of them. This sucks!

HBK

The Truth

I am depressed. I am fat and swollen and ugh. I have no faith in my abilities to parent my dear child. I am in so far under my head. I am out of shape. I am depressed. I want to sleep and eat and sleep. It sucks.
HBK

Reality Bites

Well, my kid bites anyway. Seriously, what's up with him? I missed him so much last week. I got home Friday evening and for the last 2 days, it has been nothing but biting, kicking, screaming, hitting, throwing things, tantrums, sassing, 100% defiance from him. WTF? It's as if he's decided to do exactly the opposite of whatever it is I'm asking from him. It's so frustrating! I feel like I'm not cut out to be a mom.

HBK

MLEA

I spent the last week helping to teach a class at the Montana Law Enforcement Academy. We taught Child Passenger Safety to 5 new MHP and an instructor. These guys were serious, polite and very professional. I am proud to have been involved in teaching their class. I hope they take their new passion for child passenger safety to the communities they serve.

Here are some pictures of my week.

A Trooper getting ready to install an infant only seat during a skills test.


Another Trooper working on a convertible seat during skills test.


A Trooper demonstrating the proper positioning of a Locking Clip during a skills test.


Pile o'noodles and some shelf liner. These are approved items to help attain the correct positioning of a seat and to protect the auto seat from the sometimes sharp edges of the child restraint.


MHP cruiser.


Me enjoying the breeze during a lunch break.


It was a good week.

HBK

Summertime Means . . .

Smokey skies bring a big red moon. Gotta love summer fire season in Montana, eh?

HBK

Summertime Means . . .

Too many mosquito bites. Poor Little Bear!

HBK

Splash!

We met Larkin and Mac at a splash deck today to try to beat the heat in the water. The little boys LOVE this! They spent most of the 2 hours we were there chasing each other around and around in a circle. I bet they sleep well tonight.



HBK

Growing Pains

I love my son dearly. Don't get me wrong. He makes my world go around. And he utterly defeats me. He has this defiant streak a mile long. He comes by it honestly but holy shit, it wears me out! Bedtime is a circus. He sleeps in a tent that fits in his toddler bed. The tent gets zipped shut and the zipper tied so he can't unzip it. It's the only way he will stay in bed. Trust me, we've tried giving him more freedom. It doesn't work. There are many tears about going to bed. I don't know if he's afraid or if there's something else going on. Even in his zipped tent, he manages to roll (with the tent) all over his room and knock things over, get wedged into stuck places or play with the radio. I'm at a loss.

Our pediatrician suggested a reward chart. Luken has been asking for his own camera. I don't know where he got the idea that there were cameras just for kids. At any rate, he wants one and asks for one almost daily. So I decided to make the camera the reward. In order for him to earn the camera, he must earn a sticker in each square. In 2 days, he's earned 3 stickers.

He has a chance to earn 2 "stay in bed" stickers each day. And he can earn as many "potty" stickers as he wants. Today, he only earned one of those. He is fully capable of using the toilet. He knows when he needs to void. He can be in charge of that. I'm not going to push, just offer or suggest. If he chooses not to use the toilet, okay. If he does, he gets a sticker. His choice.

He helped me make the chart and it's taped to the wall at his eye level. He talks about it several times a day. I wish I knew a way to motivate him to succeed. He gets so defiant about anything that his mama or I suggest that it feels like I'm beating my head against the wall. So frustrating!



Obedience is another thing we're working on. When he is asked to do something, I expect that he comply quickly, without fussing. Most of the time, he flat out refuses. Our pediatrician recommended that we implement time outs. Okay. Easy, right? Wrong!

I made him a "time out spot" that is easily recognizable and portable. When he is sent to time out, he must sit on the "time out spot" for 2 minutes. If he leaves the "spot" he gets redirected. Mostly we end up fighting about staying on the "spot" and there is lots of crying, thrashing, yelling and general fit throwing. There's something I'm missing. I'm open to suggestions from time out savvy folks.

HBK

Late Summer Saturday

It is late summer. It is hot and the grass is dry.


What better thing to do in extreme heat than to paint the south side of our house? Ok, so I wasn't quite thinking straight but hey, straight is over rated, right? Anyway, here's our house after I painted the wide board on the south side.


And, a close up to show just how bad it needs to be painted/stained.


All that work up on a ladder in the blazing sun over heated me. I drank tons of water while I worked but I still ended up with a fucking migraine. Now, an hour and a half after I came inside, my face is still bright red.


And here, because he's just so cute and I couldn't resist, is a bath time picture of my dear son.


HBK

My Day in Haiku

five a m alarm
sweet wife gets up, gets ready
off she goes to work

i find sleep again
until my child wakes me up
get up, make coffee

coffee hot, creamy
hits the spot ev'ry time, ahh
caffeine hits blood stream

feed dog, get son dressed
breakfast - any ideas?
fruit, cereal, milk

mind numbing disney
keeps child busy while i clean
mush brain or fruit flies?

take meds, feel like crap
fibro, migraine, pure bull shit!
time to work outside

fizz is a clown dog
he sleeps in the garden shade
while i pick green beans

son runs past, bad fumes!
change poopy diaper - again
mom needs more caffeine

only ten a m
flat out, energy all gone
think i'm in trouble

phone rings, i answer
toy with telemarketer
brings smile to my face

thinking about food
grocery list: bread, eggs, fruit
quick trip - buy lunch too

pinch finger, yell "fuck!"
bleeding, it will turn black, blue
quick, put ice on it

sky filling with clouds
eyes scan for smoke in mountains
the air seems heavy

finally, nap time
child protests, cries, screams, yells, kicks
calm, quiet - please come soon

appointment at three
third birthday well child check-up
smart boy growing up!

to the fair we go
horses to ride, food to eat
animals to see

long day! we did lots
dirty, tired, home we come
welcome warm shower

colors clouded sky
sunset kissed the mountains high
quiet settles in

HBK

My friend Daye came to spend the day with me today. I feel like crap but I had a really good time with her and her very cute kids. We hung out, watched Shawn the Sheep, weeded in the garden and picked raspberries. There aren't many people outside of my family whom I'm comfortable being around when I have a migraine. Daye is a pretty special friend.

Sierra, our Early Head Start teacher came over this morning. She commented that Luken meets or exceeds all the developmental tasks on the developmental scale they use! I'm a proud mama.

I wish that one of the developmental milestones was being potty trained. Luken pooped on the potty twice today. Then, during his nap time, he "finger painted" with shit all over all his blankets and his bed. Mercy! He knows this is naughty. Why does he do it?

On a funny note - Luken told me today, "Mommy, I have a big long penis!" I had no idea it started this young.

HBK

It's Here

Fire season, that is. As I was driving to the highway this afternoon, my eyes were greeted by a tall column of black smoke coming from the ridge line across the valley from me.

Here's what the paper has to say about it.

Be safe out there, folks.

HBK

Rhys

I lost a friend this morning.

When Kara and I got together, she had a pair of Huskies. I liked them but from a distance. As our relationship grew, I learned to share my life with these 2 spirited K-9's. They destroyed the flowers in my yard. They slept at my feet. They took me for hikes. They taught me about unconditional love. Several years ago, we lost Giza to cancer. And last night, we lost Rhys.

Kara and I had been sleeping but we both heard it at the same moment. We knew what it was. The seizure started at 0138. Kara laid on the floor next to Rhys while I ran around getting a blanket, finding the phone, getting dressed, doing all the little things that seemingly needed to be done. I donned a glove and poked 5 mg of Valium inside Rhys's rectum in an attempt to make the seizure stop. I checked her pupils. They were blown. The seizure went on and on until stillness finally came at 0209. We smoothed her fur and wrapped her up in some soft flannel.

We woke Luken and talked to him about our good dog, Rhys and how she was dead. He simply said, "Rhys is all done being our dog." He asked to see her several times this morning before she was buried.

I'm sad and I will miss her. I'm glad I got to be one of her people.



HBK

I'm a Freak

But we already knew that. It's been hot. In an attempt to keep the temp inside our home below the boiling point, we close all the windows in the morning when it's still cool. Be evening time, it's very hot outside and quite warm (no, quite warm doesn't begin to describe it. It's fucking HOT) inside. I've noticed a pattern. The hotter it gets, the more anxious and panicky I get. I HATE the still hot air. It feels like I can't breathe. It feels like death. If I turn on a fan and blow the hot air around, even though it doesn't cool things off, I feel SO much better! So ya, I'm a freak. Can't deal with still hot air. It's gotta be moving.

True at night too, I have to have the windows open, even in winter.

However, if it's windy (any more than breezy), I freak out too. What's up with that?



Here's a picture of a real hotie. Freaky, yup. But yowza! What a hottie!

HBK

Friday

We went on a hike up Bass Creek today. It was the perfect day for a hike.

HBK

Too Long Gone

I've missed my blog. I have a terrible migraine at the moment but I have so much to say. I'll come back and start blogging again tomorrow.
HBK