Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Long Way Around Again

This is a hard situation. Not that would ever be anything but hard. My family does not understand the connection that Renee and I share. I wouldn't expect them to. Anyway . . . Kerry's funeral is next Thursday. It's a 4 hour drive from my home. My youngest sister, Holli, desperately wants to attend. I don't know if she'll be able to or not. She's in Pre Release right now but her time is up. She's just waiting on paperwork. I've offered to escort her to the funeral. (Renee is her birth mother and she knew Kerry. Holli and Renee have not really been very close but I'm guessing that Holli is feeling close kinship to Renee right now because Holli recently lost her children to the state, just as Renee did when Holli was an infant.) I hope that Holli does not need me to escort her because I really do not want to go to the funeral. I already had other plans for that day, fun plans with my dad and his wife and another sister, her kids, and Luken. Now it's all up in the air. I'd rather to see Renee after the funeral, after everybody else has gone, when it begins to sink in that Kerry is not coming back, when people have left her alone. Then I will go for sure.

This grief thing - it's hard. Although I didn't know Kerry much at all, her death touches my own grief. It makes me realize how deep the hurt is. How primal, how raw still, how vast. And that scares me in a way. I don't think I'm making much sense. I'm just writing, not editing as I go. My head hurts and so does my heart. I'm holding Renee in the Light.

As tender as I feel for Renee right now, I'm not forgetting Chrystal. She was also there when Kerry died. What happened was terribly traumatic for both of them. I think that Chrystal will be okay. I think that she'll lie about it though on the days that she isn't okay.

I'm writing in circles. I need to either erase this or stop writing.



mama-san said...


daye said...

So sorry that you are going through this. I hope things work out with the funeral plans. Sometimes the best way to honor someone's passing is to celebrate your own life. Because life is so short.