Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Friday, August 21, 2009

It's all about the Boob.

Ok, so I've been breast feeding my son for nearly 13 months. It was a struggle at the beginning because I was quite ill and my milk didn't come in for over a week. Then I had several bouts of mastitis and developed chronic thrush on my nipples. We nursed through all that and I grew to cherish the relationship that Luken and I have around nursing. We survived learning not to bite mommy (ouch!). I'm proud of the fact that I've been able to nurse my son for so long. I'm also proud to have been able to provide milk to 3 other infants as well. It feels like a huge gift to me all the way around. We're all winners.

Now though, I'm considering weaning. Here are my reasons.

I have moments of feeling resentful about having to share my body in such a way. I want my body back.

I am also dealing with some medical issues that have been put on hold so I can breast feed. I suffer from migraines. I would really like to be able to take triptans to prevent the headaches. Currently, I can do nothing to prevent the migraines and so I'm left with few options as to how to treat them. I can take Lortab once the headache becomes painful enough to get in the way of my functioning. I don't like taking Lortab. It's a narcotic and makes me feel dopey. I can't drive after I've taken it and so I'm stuck at home. And, often I need to take more than one dose to get relief.

I am beyond tired of the hormone storm that I continue to experience. I've been told that the storm will subside once I'm no longer lactating. I feel moody and I sweat until it's dripping off me. I have NO sex drive. I smell funny.

I seem to be unable to lose my "baby weight". People say that perhaps it will be easier for me to lose the weight after I've stopped breast feeding.

I want to be able to put things into my body that might not be the best for baby (like maybe have a drink or to eat strawberries or other things that make Luken sick when I eat them). It feels like a huge responsibility to have another person relying on what I eat for their nutrition. I know that now he's old enough to get good nutrition from the food he eats.

Even given all of these reason, I'm reluctant to wean him. I really treasure the time I spend nursing him. I wanted for so many years to be a mommy and now I don't want to lose anything that being a mommy has given me. Make sense? Part of me wants to hold on to Luken's baby-ness for as long as I can. I feel sad when I think about weaning him. But I also feel excited. I don't know what to do.

I've talked to lactation consultants and other mothers about this. Most of them say that weaning will happen naturally if I continue to breast feed. They say that Luken will begin to lose interest in the breast. Ha! I don't see that happening any time soon. Right now, he LOVES the boob! And it's so handy. I can comfort him when he's upset. I can distract him. I can quiet him. I can sooth him.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm ready to wean but when I think about it, I feel like I'm not ready. And I don't want it to be up to me. I want it to be up to Luken. Ugh. Now I'm just talking in circles.



Larkin Kavanaugh said...

hmmm, well i think you should nurse till he is in high school and people in missoula will think you are amazing! i of course will continually nag, tease, and make fun of you about it.

no, seriously, maybe you can put the decision aside because it is causing you stress. just put it aside and let luken nurse as he wants and reassess in a few months. then you have not made the decision to stop but you have also given a time to reassess and see what you and luken are feeling then.

Anonymous said...

Ok I dont want this to seem like Im pushing you to continue to BF. You know Im a BIG supporter of extended breastfeeding... However the natural age for a child to wean is between 3 and 6 YEARS old... I think part of your reason for having these feelings is that society says you should be done now.. I say go with what you want. 13 months is certainly longer than what most have done... Here in the US most are done with nursing by 6 months..

Mandy Lee said...

Since I hadn't really been able to breatfeed with Jaidyn and got to with Hunter it was a huge bonding thing and different emotions with feeding the two kids. But even if you decide to wean him from breast he will still want to snuggle and be with mommy during time of the day even without boob. I probably would have breastfed much longer with Hunter if I had been able to ie stayed home longer or been at home mom, but with working full time it wasn't feasible for me. I say go with what feels right as of now. If you don't want to wean yet then don't. Give yourself some time to get used to the idea.

Benny's Blog said...

I do remember mourning the end of nursing the twins, even 32 years ago....I knew it was my last time in this incarnation, but they were really into solid food and I was teaching..

On the other hand, I remember an older mom friend of mine whose three year was accustomed to pulling her blouse open in public when he wanted soothing...some how that bothered me...seemed like she would want her body back, and she weaned a month or two later....

It isn't easy, but you have given him maximum benefit nutritionally, and individuation boundaries are on the horizon....and you have a right to have a healthy body of your own ?

Anonymous said...

Heidi, it's me Charlene from pg.prg BL board... just wanted to add my 2 cents... Neither of my DD's self-weaned, and I've been gently weaning DD#2 since she was 18 months old, with the last 4 days being the only days EVER she has not asked to nurse...(she's 29 months old) So I guess my advice would be if you're waiting for him to self-wean, you're probably going to have a long wait... one option would be to slowly start to wean now, just doing things like distraction when possible... then you might not feel so tied down all the time... good luck with your decision!

Anonymous said...

hey heidi, noelle here, just wanted to suggest my naturopath to you. her name is nancy dunne she is in missoula, I had a lot of the same complaints as you are having (including migraines) Since working with her I feel TONS better. if your into natural medicine, and willing to make the effort I bet she can be helpful to you too. it is a little pricey at first but I was so desperate to feel better I saved up some moolah and decided to make my health a priority. It is hard to be a decent mommy when you feel like crap, so anyhow I feel for ya, will keep ya in my prayers and you should try Dr Dunne, she has been super helpful for me!