Crawling Back

Hi.  It's me.  And I've come crawling back here.  To this blog.  To this place of safety and self expression.  I say crawling because I am.  Barely.

I've become so unhealthy that what shred of dignity and function I used to have is gone.  My weight is at an all time high at 225.  I am deeply depressed and in pain all the time.  I need help.  And I've looked for help far and wide.  The person I need help from is me.  I need to make a change.  I need my life back.  My child needs his mama back.  My wife needs her partner back.  And I'm sick and scared to death.

For over a year now, my son, who has Autism, has been on the GAPS diet.  It's changed his life.  I want what he has.  I grew up vegetarian and can't stand the taste of meat.  The GAPS diet is based around bone broths.  It's highly researched and carefully designed to heal the gut, mind and body.  I desperately need what it has to offer.  And I'm absolutely terrified.

I plan on using this space, this blog, as a place to journal my journey.  It's not going to be easy.  I will try to be honest.  I'm not writing it for my readers but you're welcome to come along if you want.  If you do come along, please offer me your support.  I'll need it.

Today, the day after Christmas, I am sick.  I'm coughing to the point of gagging.  I have a splitting headache (no, I'm not hung over).  I feel like throwing up.  My entire body hurts.  I've taken my morning meds (cymbalta, gabapentin, zyrtec, lisinopril, cranberry tabs) as well as phenergan and lortab.  I'm sipping on my now cold coffee with half and half in it and I just took some probiotics because I figured, why not, right?  I loaded the dishwasher, added home made detergent, set it to start.  I took 4 chicken drumsticks out of the freezer and put them in a pot with water and salt and unflavored beef gelatin and set them to cook.  I poured a dram of elderberry elixer and crawled back into bed.  Here begins the journey.

hbk