Lonely or Luxury?

If anybody tells you that marriage is easy, always peaceful, smooth sailing and blue skies, they're lying. Plain and simple.

I've been married to the woman I love for 10 years now.  It's been good.  It's been hard.  It's been up and down and down some more.  It's been scary.  It's been a place to come home to.  It's been work.  It's been some blood, salt and tears.  It's been comforting.  It's had blissful moments.  It's been teamwork.  And right now, it's hard.

Due to old habits that no longer serve us well, and to circumstances, some under our control and some not, I find myself in a position in my marriage I never thought I'd be in.  Should we split?  That question has loomed heavy for weeks now.  Many tears have been shed.  Thoughts on the topic go round and around.  Pros and cons.  How can we do this to our son?  How can we do this to each other?  I still love her.  I want to work things out.  I will find a way to make it work.  I hate her and want her out.  No, really I care so deeply for her that it hurts me to see her hurting.  Wait, or do I hate her?  I don't know.  One thing for sure is that both of us need some space.

So, Kara is moving out of our common bedroom and into the guest room and library in our basement.  She'll have to ask to come in to my room.  I have to ask to enter her room.  That kind of feels nice.  My own space.  (And when I say "my own space", realize that I share it freely with 2 large dogs and 3 cats and a very active 4 year old boy).  So, my own space is well, mostly a space with out my wife.  Which is good sometimes.  And sometimes sad.  And sometimes lonely.

Tonight we went as a family to a small town Parade of Lights. It's basically the entire town shows up to have a good time in the cold and sing and play and heat cold hands near crackling fires on sidewalk corners.  There are hey rides and a singing parade and the reading of "the Christmas Story".  We had a good time.

And then we came home and puttered along toward bedtime.  That's when the issue came up.  Luken wanted me to read to him in his bed.  Okay, I often do that.  And then he wanted Mom to read to him in His bed.  Also okay.  Then he made it known that he was worried about Mom sleeping downstairs all alone.  So, with a bit of coaxing and a lot of me telling him that I'll be just find in my bed by myself with the cats and dogs, Luken decided he'd like to have a sleepover with Mom in her bed downstairs.

I feel happy for him.  And excited.  Sleepovers are fun!  And, as I remember so fondly from my growing up, sleeping with a mom is so sweet and warm and special.  And, as much as I'm happy and excited for Luken, I feel lonely.  He's usually in the room next to mine and I can hear him breathing at night.  I get up and go to him when he can't find which way is up.  I welcome him into my bed after he has a nightmare.  And, while I'm looking forward to a full and uninterrupted night's sleep, I miss him.  Ya, okay.  I miss Kara too.  But anyway . . .

Just my thoughts in the snowy quiet under my pile of cats.  See, how can I really be alone anyway?

hbk