Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Friday, March 8, 2013


What does defeat look like for you?

Does it look like falling off the wagon and taking a drink?

Does it look like the crumbs at the bottom of an empty bag of chips or the last lone oreo staring you in the face?

Does defeat look like the miles and miles you run each day to make up for the cookies and ice cream you ate yesterday?

Or maybe defeat looks like the fist you have clenched in anger, shaking so hard to keep from letting it fly.

Is defeat finally giving up after working day after day, week after week, for a boss who really doesn't care, earning never enough money to cover the bills that just won't stop?

Does defeat find you, at the end of the day, exhausted in your bed with nothing to show for your entire day.

Or the pain that gets in your way, slows you down, curls your hands, swells your joints, is that what defeats you?

Maybe it's your past, rearing it's head, wave after wave of memories you can't stop, memories you don't want - but they're yours.  Is that defeat?

Is your defeat the day you decide you can't get out of bed and face another day?

For me, right now, my defeat is a migraine.  A stupid headache.  A headache that I got almost 2 weeks ago on a Sunday.  I've used every tool available to me.  I've gone to the clinic 3 times.  They've done everything they could for me.  I have tried so hard.  SO damn HARD to not give the migraines a reason to stick around.  I've taken eggs and gluten out of my diet.  It's been what? about 5 or 6 weeks.  Maybe 4.  I'd been having less headaches.  Finally!  Fewer headaches.  Than I've had in YEARS.  I dared to hope.  Stupid me.  Dared to fucking hope.  My friend Luci was right.  Hope is a trick.  And I am defeated.  I was at the clinic yesterday.  Saw a very sweet doctor who cared very much about me.  She gave me a shot of demerol/phenergan and a steroid shot.  I went home and relaxed.

I woke up this morning with NO headache!  I dared to hope.  And, as the day went along, I felt it.  It started with stabbing pain on the right side of my head.  Intermittent.  But there.  And it spread.  I know where it goes.  I know what it is.  It's a migraine.  My old fucking friend, the migraine.  And it defeats me.  It keeps me from being the mother I want to be, the mother my son deserves.  It keeps me from being a good wife to my sweetest forever friend.  It keeps me from taking care of myself, from cooking healthy meals, from exercising, from being creative.  Migraines rob me of everything I want and have worked so hard for.  Migraines defeat me and it's not fucking fair!

The 12 steps have taught me to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Step one, I admit that I am powerless over migraines.
Step two, came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
Step 3, made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understand God.
Step four, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
Step 5, Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step six,  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step seven,  Humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings.
Step 8.  Made a list of all persons I have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9.  Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would infere them or others.
Step 10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong, promptly admit it.
Step 11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out.
Step 12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I try to carry this message to others who still suffer and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Ok, Migraine, you win.  I accept this thing I cannot seem to change.  I try like hell to change the things I can to make it better.  And as for wisdom, I fear I am sorely lacking in that.  I am at the end of my rope.  I am out of options.  I need help that doesn't seem to exist.  I am terrified that I will always have these debilitating headaches.  I am losing everything that I've worked so hard for.  I am defeated.

How can I string up a white flag.  Who will see?  I surrender.  I am defeated.  I surrender.



wildwomanjd said...

Oh, Heidi, you sound discouraged, and I don't blame you at all. I'm so sorry, Honey! Life has defeats, and I think it is ok to feel defeated sometimes. I accept your feelings and validate them.

The good part is that life doesn't end with defeat - it goes on, and you will not always be defeated. You will also win! There would be no mountains if there were no valleys. I know, who cares right now, right? You don't want to be in a valley. I know it isn't fair, because you've tried so very hard.

You are a hero for all of your trying, and for all of your reaching out to others, to help them, and to accept help. And for just plain surviving against such odds, you're a hero. And I am so proud of you, Heidi, my Daughter. I love you so much, and I wish that were enough to take away the headache.


Brenda Satrum said...

I love you. I'm proud of you, too. I love your paints and projects with Luken. I wish you were free from pain. I see your flag. Love, Brenda