by a heartsore mom
please, be kind
and don't judge
today was hard. very hard. and i feel completely defeated. like all the air has gone out of my sails.
today, like many days, my son (age four and a half) had a tantrum over i don't even remember what. i'd asked him to do something and he refused. i wouldn't engage him in his play until he acquiesced. he had a tantrum. this happens daily. today it lasted for a long time. and i lost my temper. i spanked him (which i dont' usually do). i was mad. really mad. i let him get under my skin and he knew it.
i had help. his other mama spelled me off and on during her lunch break. all told, the tantrum probably lasted an hour.
it stopped. abruptly. when he hit me in the face and my nose started gushing blood. i froze. i've been hit before but never square straight on. it hurt. like hell. his other mama took over. at this point, i couldn't interact with him. i was just trying to breathe.
what started as a regular stupid tantrum that over-ran it's course ended up with me hurt and my child scared to death that he'd killed me.
my son is 4. still young. this is SO not okay. i don't know how we got here. i am scared. not scared of him. but scared for him. i love him so much! i fought to get pregnant. i fought to maintain the pregnancy. i fought to survive his birth. i fought to survive coupla times since. i fight for him. tooth and nail i fight for him. i cannot immagine life without him. and, for a moment today, i couldn't imagine life with him.
this hurts. in lots of ways. physically, i'm pretty sure the bleed in my nose is posterior. it was very hard to stop and has bled off and on heavily since. my sinuses are quite swollen and my entire face is throbbing. emotionally, my heart is breaking. i want so much for him. and right now, it feels like a terrible responsibility to raise him. yet my heart melts for him.
if you haven't been a mom, you won't understand. i know my child has "special needs". blah blah blah. i don't think his needs are all that special. or maybe they are. maybe i'm blinded by love (and pain). i don't know. i'm overwhelmed. i wish somebody would tell me what to do and how to do it and i'd know that it was the right thing. i wish that his other mama and i had more help. sometimes it feels like we're 2 people alone trying to raise a tornado child.
people tell me that i'm good for it. they say that i've been given this child because i can handle it. i'm not so sure. don't get me wrong. he is a gift. he is a precious gift. but would i change him? i think, yes. i'd have him be happy. i'd have him not need to rage against me, writhing, screaming, choking and sweating, because he doesn't know what else to do. i'd have him know peace more often. i'd have him be comfortable in his body, feeling the world around him with his senses and not being hurt by "normal" everyday things like the seam in his shirt or the air from an open window. i don't need a "normal" or typical kid. i dearly love the one i have. and i hope that someday he can know how to live in a world that accepts him for who he is. i hope that i can know how to parent him, to help him be all that he is.
and right now, i'm so done that my eyes are burning. i don't know how to go on. all i know is that tomorrow has to be a better day, doesn't it?