Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Friday, March 15, 2013

swollen heart


***warning***
heavy content
by a heartsore mom
please, be kind
and don't judge


today was hard.  very hard.  and i feel completely defeated.  like all the air has gone out of my sails.  

today, like many days, my son (age four and a half) had a tantrum over i don't even remember what.  i'd asked him to do something and he refused.  i wouldn't engage him in his play until he acquiesced.  he had a tantrum.  this happens daily.  today it lasted for a long time.  and i lost my temper.  i spanked him (which i dont' usually do).  i was mad.  really mad.  i let him get under my skin and he knew it.  

i had help.  his other mama spelled me off and on during her lunch break.  all told, the tantrum probably lasted an hour.  

it stopped.  abruptly.  when he hit me in the face and my nose started gushing blood.  i froze.  i've been hit before but never square straight on.  it hurt.  like hell.  his other mama took over.  at this point, i couldn't interact with him.  i was just trying to breathe. 

what started as a regular stupid tantrum that over-ran it's course ended up with me hurt and my child scared to death that he'd killed me.  

my son is 4.  still young.  this is SO not okay.  i don't know how we got here.  i am scared.  not scared of him.  but scared for him.  i love him so much!  i fought to get pregnant.  i fought to maintain the pregnancy.  i fought to survive his birth.  i fought to survive coupla times since.  i fight for him.  tooth and nail i fight for him.  i cannot immagine life without him.  and, for a moment today, i couldn't imagine life with him. 

this hurts.  in lots of ways.  physically, i'm pretty sure the bleed in my nose is posterior.  it was very hard to stop and has bled off and on heavily since.  my sinuses are quite swollen and my entire face is throbbing.  emotionally, my heart is breaking.  i want so much for him.  and right now, it feels like a terrible responsibility to raise him.  yet my heart melts for him.  

if you haven't been a mom, you won't understand.  i know my child has "special needs".  blah blah blah.  i don't think his needs are all that special.  or maybe they are.  maybe i'm blinded by love (and pain).  i don't know.  i'm overwhelmed.  i wish somebody would tell me what to do and how to do it and i'd know that it was the right thing.  i wish that his other mama and i had more help.  sometimes it feels like we're 2 people alone trying to raise a tornado child.  

people tell me that i'm good for it.  they say that i've been given this child because i can handle it.  i'm not so sure.  don't get me wrong.  he is a gift.  he is a precious gift.  but would i change him?  i think, yes.  i'd have him be happy.  i'd have him not need to rage against me, writhing, screaming, choking and sweating, because he doesn't know what else to do.  i'd have him know peace more often.  i'd have him be comfortable in his body, feeling the world around him with his senses and not being hurt by "normal" everyday things like the seam in his shirt or the air from an open window.  i don't need a "normal" or typical kid.  i dearly love the one i have.  and i hope that someday he can know how to live in a world that accepts him for who he is.  i hope that i can know how to parent him, to help him be all that he is.  

and right now, i'm so done that my eyes are burning.  i don't know how to go on.  all i know is that tomorrow has to be a better day, doesn't it?

hbk

5 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh Heidi. My heart hurts for you. And for him.

Ann said...

I, too, have a child with tantrums, needs and IEPs. I have been hurt physically and emotionally. The physical pain is not worse than the emotional pain. I have spent 23 years avoiding the tantrums, in order for us all to have some peace. From what I read, you are "good for it"! The wife sounds like she is too!

Ann said...

I, too, have a child with tantrums, needs and IEPs. I have been hurt physically and emotionally. The physical pain is not worse than the emotional pain. I have spent 23 years avoiding the tantrums, in order for us all to have some peace. From what I read, you are "good for it"! The wife sounds like she is too!

Life as a Convert (Khourt) said...

All I have to offer is hugs. I know how demanding and frustrating children can be at times. I pray it gets easier for you. Just remember like you said in your last sentence, tomorrow has to be better. Not all days are going to be bad.

shinyinlove.com said...

I am going to give advice here when it is not asked for and likely to wanted. It is coming form my viewpoint as a mother and as an aunt to your tornado whom I love dearly and as a sister. Yes, he is hard to handle and takes more energy than is fair and to say that you are good for it may feel like a sentence that is unfair, overwhelming and never ending. I believe everything you feel here is real and it hurts and it will continue to hurt. (My man child was the first to break my heart, it hurts.) I do however, think that (here comes the advise part) as mothers we all make huge mistakes with our kids. We want the best for them with all our hearts. And we worry we are not good enough for them. We worry we are not doing right by them. We want to be better and we don't always know how so we spend precious energy on this worry and self negativity because we believe we are not good enough. Waisted energy. Better put to something else. Destructive energy. Stop it. You are a GOOD MOTHER! Now if I can take my own advice...