It's Friday night. Well, Saturday morning now. And cold. I'm in bed with at least one dog and 2 cats, all under the blankets with me. There's nothing wrong. We're safe and warm and fed. But I'm depressed. And I feel guilty for it. Because we had an alright day. And a fun evening. We went on a family "adventure" to the local swimming place. We played and had a great time. I had a migraine but was medicated so wasn't too miserable. Then we came home and hung out and went to bed. I don't know. Maybe I'm in the dumps because I'm in bed alone. Oh, I know, not so alone with Belle, Babette and Anika snuggled up all around me. But Kara is sleeping apart. She needs space and I get that.
Coupla summers ago, I had a hysterectomy. It damn near killed me. It really did. Anyway, I still have ovaries. As far as I know, they're still functional. Maybe I'm in the depressed phase of my cycle (or what's left of my cycle).
Maybe it's the cold dark that has me down. The cold can be both invigorating and sapping at the same time. Right now, it's energy draining. It makes my chest hurt to breath in it's cold air. And the dark. Although the days are getting noticeably longer, it's still dark more than it is light. And when it's cold, I have to keep the shades drawn in order to keep the house warm.
It could be money. I found a fun looking automatic composter that I want to buy for Kara. With what money? We're beyond broke. And it has me feeling panicky and trapped. There is no quick fix. Except don't spend it. But we have debt so we have to spend. What is it about money that is such a mind fuck?
I'm tired. And I have a migraine. And I've been having spasms in the muscles in my back for weeks now. They chase each other up and down either side of my spine. It's like a race. Which spasm can make me stop what I'm doing and try to bury my thumb in it first? Sometimes the spasms feel like they're burning me. No wonder I'm tired.
And no wonder I'm feeling depressed. Down. Sad. I really should give it up and go to bed. Call it a day. Give it up and give in to sleep. Trust that tomorrow will come, first with grey light, then with pink then yellow over the mountains east of here. And then I can begin again, in a better mood, in less pain, on a fresh page. I hope.