Nests are cool!

Bird nests are so nest.  They're so different to me. 

Some, like this one, are delicate. 

We think it came out of our blue spruce tree.

It's probably been there awhile because it's lined

with Husky hair.

I wonder what kind of family used to live there. 

I wonder if they successfully fledged out. 

I'm glad they shared their old home with us,

even if the wind did knock it onto the ground years after

they were finished with it. 

hbk

Slower is better, I'm learning

Well, slower is better for yogurt making anyway. 

Tends to make the yogurt feel smoother in the mouth

and be nice and tangy.  

You can't rush tangy.

We start with a gallon of full fat organic milk.  

Raw is best but it's hard to find in the winter.

So I buy milk that has been very lightly pasteurized. 

More good bugs this way.

Dump in all into a large heavy pot.

A big soup pot works well. 

You're gonna need a candy thermometer 

and something to stir with that's wooden or silicone. 

Set the heat on lowish. 

And stir. 

And stir. 

And stir. 

And stir.  You need to make sure the milk doesn't scorch.

So you kinda gotta pay attention.  

And . . . 

stir. 

When the temperature reaches 185 degrees Fahrenheit

(yes, I had to look up how to spell that one),

you're ready to think about the cultures. 

Don't add them yet, the heat would kill them and that'd be sad, right?

The cultures are the things that make the yogurt sour and yummy tasting

instead of just tasting like rotten milk. 

Cultures can be the scrapings from a kind of yogurt you like. 

They can be an entirely different kind of yogurt altogether

(maybe goat milk for an adventure).

Or they can be your favorite probiotic capsule.

It should be a good quality one and kept in the fridge (doh).

One of the joys of making your own yogurt is that you can have 

W.A.Y.

more than the 3 or four strains of live cultures that 

usually come in comercial yogurts.  

So, be creative.  See what will grow.  See what you like. 

Keep checking the temp of your milk. 

You can place the pot in a sink of cool water

to more quickly reduce the temp. 

The longer the milk stays at the higher temp, it does something to the proteins and is supposed to give the yogurt a different texture.  

I usually let mine sit covered on the stove for awhile,

checking periodically to make sure the cat hasn't found it

or  . . .  

Anyway, when your heated milk has cooled to 110 

degrees Fahrenheit,

it's time to add your cultures.  

Gently stir them in.  Remember, they're living things.  Be nice to them.  

Now the fun part.  

More waiting. 

I pour the milk with cultures into a slow cooker. 

Put the lid on. 

And cover it with a towel. 

The milk needs to stay kinda warm (warmer than room temp) for 

12 to 24 hours.  

I achieve this by turning the slow cooker to "keep warm" several times throughout the day. 

Only turn the slow cooker on for a few minutes at a time

or you'll scorch the yogurt.  Yucky. 

Keep the slow cooker covered with a towel to keep the heat in.

You'll notice the stuff gets thick.  

Gross!  Oh, no, that's yogurt!

After 12 to 24 hours, you're 'bout done. 

You can use it as is, the more you stir it, the thinner it'll get.  

You can call this a probiotic drink if you want. 

Or you can strain it through a cheese cloth or dish towel

(I use a clean dish towel). 

Just pour it in, (over a strainer, set over a kettle)

and tie up the corners. 

I hang my yogurt blob on a kitchen cupboard handle

for a coupla hours. 

That yellow stuff that drips out is whey.  Save it.  

It's good for you.  Drink it in tea, juice, water.  

You'll come to think it's delish!

Anyway, after a few hours, scrape the yogurt out of the cheesecloth. 

It'll be nice and thick and creamy. 

Store it in a glass container in your refrigerator for up to 2 weeks.  

From a gallon of milk, I usually get 2 quarts of yogurt. 

There, now ya know.  

hbk

Look How High!

I was in the kitchen preparing food for my child when I heard, 

"Mommy, I need you."

I knew he'd been out in the back yard with Kara so I wasn't too concerned. 

Again, "Mommy, I need help!"

Okay.  I wash and dry my hands and patter outside

in my sock. 

On the deck, I look over, and a little up

and see my son, higher than deck high

in a tree, still climbing!

"Wow, you climbed way up there!"  I say.  

"What do you need help with?"

"Mommy, I need help getting down.  I am stuck so I climbing higher."

Indeed.  I couldn't reach him from the ground. 

I couldn't reach him from his plastic climbing toys. 

I couldn't reach him from the lower branches. 

"Luken, stop climbing!"

"Mommy, hurry up.  It's getting nighttime and then it will be dark and I am cold.  I am not a bat like Stellaluna.  And I am not a bird.  Can you get me down?"

"Yes, Love.  Don't be afraid.  I'm going to get you down.  You stay where you are and I will help you."

Luke and I worked together to get him down out of the tree. 

 He remained calm and I talked him down. 

"Put your foot behind you and reach it down. Good. 

There is a good handle branch nest to your shoulder.  Grab that with your hand. 

Awesome!"

Step by step he did what I told him to do until he was down far enough

I could reach him by standing on his climbing structure. 

By the time I had him in my arms, his little body was shaking.  

I could tell he was scared.  I knew he was cold.  

I gave him a big hug and took him inside for a warm bath where we talked about safety. 

I love that Luken is adventurous.  I love that he tries new things.  

And I'm proud of him that he realized he needed help. 

And even more proud that he remained calm enough to let me help him.  

I have an amazing kid!  

hbk

Lonely or Luxury?

If anybody tells you that marriage is easy, always peaceful, smooth sailing and blue skies, they're lying. Plain and simple.

I've been married to the woman I love for 10 years now.  It's been good.  It's been hard.  It's been up and down and down some more.  It's been scary.  It's been a place to come home to.  It's been work.  It's been some blood, salt and tears.  It's been comforting.  It's had blissful moments.  It's been teamwork.  And right now, it's hard.

Due to old habits that no longer serve us well, and to circumstances, some under our control and some not, I find myself in a position in my marriage I never thought I'd be in.  Should we split?  That question has loomed heavy for weeks now.  Many tears have been shed.  Thoughts on the topic go round and around.  Pros and cons.  How can we do this to our son?  How can we do this to each other?  I still love her.  I want to work things out.  I will find a way to make it work.  I hate her and want her out.  No, really I care so deeply for her that it hurts me to see her hurting.  Wait, or do I hate her?  I don't know.  One thing for sure is that both of us need some space.

So, Kara is moving out of our common bedroom and into the guest room and library in our basement.  She'll have to ask to come in to my room.  I have to ask to enter her room.  That kind of feels nice.  My own space.  (And when I say "my own space", realize that I share it freely with 2 large dogs and 3 cats and a very active 4 year old boy).  So, my own space is well, mostly a space with out my wife.  Which is good sometimes.  And sometimes sad.  And sometimes lonely.

Tonight we went as a family to a small town Parade of Lights. It's basically the entire town shows up to have a good time in the cold and sing and play and heat cold hands near crackling fires on sidewalk corners.  There are hey rides and a singing parade and the reading of "the Christmas Story".  We had a good time.

And then we came home and puttered along toward bedtime.  That's when the issue came up.  Luken wanted me to read to him in his bed.  Okay, I often do that.  And then he wanted Mom to read to him in His bed.  Also okay.  Then he made it known that he was worried about Mom sleeping downstairs all alone.  So, with a bit of coaxing and a lot of me telling him that I'll be just find in my bed by myself with the cats and dogs, Luken decided he'd like to have a sleepover with Mom in her bed downstairs.

I feel happy for him.  And excited.  Sleepovers are fun!  And, as I remember so fondly from my growing up, sleeping with a mom is so sweet and warm and special.  And, as much as I'm happy and excited for Luken, I feel lonely.  He's usually in the room next to mine and I can hear him breathing at night.  I get up and go to him when he can't find which way is up.  I welcome him into my bed after he has a nightmare.  And, while I'm looking forward to a full and uninterrupted night's sleep, I miss him.  Ya, okay.  I miss Kara too.  But anyway . . .

Just my thoughts in the snowy quiet under my pile of cats.  See, how can I really be alone anyway?

hbk

Luken-ism

I call Luken "Little Bear".

Today, during a thoughtful moment, he inquired,
"Mommy, if I am your Little Bear, then who is my Big Bear?"

"I don't know," I said.  "Who do you think your Big Bear is?"

More thought . . .

"Mommy, will you be my Big Bear?"

hbk

Devastated!

I am devastated!  

This angelic cherub

has just announced

that 

"I don't love you."

"I only love Kara Mom."

"I would rather pick my nose 

than sit with you."

This cherub!  My son. 

Hates me. 

And my heart is crushed. 

NOT.  

I'm laughing so hard I have tears

running down my face.  

He'd rather pick his nose . . . 

It's a good thing that sarcasm is my first language. 

And it's a good thing that I'll love him 

forever, 

no

matter

what. 

hbk

Peaceful Moments

They happen.  

Sometimes. 

And when they do,

I cherish them. 

Mostly though, 

I cherish this sweet boy. 

I am so lucky that he chose me

to be his mother. 

hbk

My Hiking Buddy

Our family likes to go hiking. 

We often go to the same area.

There are several different trails where we go. 

After 4 years of hiking in the same area,

Luken really knows his way around these woods!

For his age, I'm impressed with how far his little legs can go. 

And I like how there is always something new and interesting to see. 

But best of all, I like my hiking buddy.  

Never hike alone!

hbk

Ballet!

A very kind woman gave me 3 tickets to the annual Nutcracker (or variation of such) at our wonderful small town Performing Arts Center.  And, who better to take than my charming rosie cheeked boy?  (And my wife, of course.)  We prepped and primed him so he'd know what to expect.  Then we got all washed and changed and ready for "the show"!.  Luken was so excited to go that, if he'd have had it his way, we'd have arrived at the PAC an hour before the doors even opened. 

See, isn't he just the most handsome date ever?  

He did VERY well at the ballet!  He sat quietly (or mostly sat mostly quietly) very interested and intent through the entire performance!  He got hungry and that was distracting to him but he didn't want to go out because they wouldn't "freeze" the show for him.  So he watched.  Wide eyed.  Completely enthralled.  

When intermission came, and Luken finally did get to go get a bite to eat and stretch his bouncy legs, he left his beloved Brownie to keep his seat warm.  I do believe that Brownie loved the show as well.  

I am so proud.  Both of how well behaved my child was, and at the quality of art expression and dance that we were treated to.  Bravo, Ballet Bitterroot.  Bravo!

hbk

Milestone!

A week or so ago, after heavy concentration and a lot of coaching, Luken wrote his name for the very first time!  I am so proud of him!

Here, so you can see that it's all there, is a copy that I traced using colored pens.  You can clearly see all the letters.  L U K E N.  

He hasn't done it since but he has mentioned that he did it once.  And that he's proud too.  He recognizes this as kind of a big deal.  

Now, I know that often, children will write their name before the age of four and a half.  I also know that each child does things at their own pace.  So, please, just let me be proud of this accomplishment without pointing out that "he's slow".  My kid wrote his name!  I have a huge grin every time I think of it.  I am so, SO proud of him!  

hbk

Babette

Bebette is our long haired black cat.  She's got the most beautiful yellow eyes and a purr that drives me up a wall when I'm trying to sleep.  She's a great snuggler.  And, I think she's sick.  Coupla months ago, she started puking.  She puked and puked and puked.  I took her to the emergency vet in town and asked for a shot of stop puking medicine.  it sort of worked.  I took her in to our regular vet the next day and they did an exam and found that she had about a week's worth of poop built up in her colon.  She'd developed a conditioned called "mega colon" in which the colon simply stretches out and becomes a floppy flacid poop sack.  They had to give her several enemas and lots of oral medications to resolve it. She had to be quite sedated for the enemas.  She came home weak and seek.  I felt terrible.  They sent meds home with me to try to manage the condition that way.  I've tried.

Tonight she's started puking again.  I'm scared for her.  If I take her on in Monday and they say she needs an enema, I'll say no.  She hates it and I can't afford it.  Over the weekend, I'll do my best to manage her condition medically and force extra fluids.  If that evades the crisis, great!  If not, I'll be sad.  I don't like saying goodbye to pets I've loved for so long.

hbk

Migraine

For way too long I've been living with severe chronic migraines.  I've tried many, MANY different things to alleviate and prevent them.  Some things help a little bit or part of the time.  Most things, not at all.  I saw my neuro yesterday.  She switched my meds around (again).  And she told me that nothing she can do will work until I stop crying every day.  Really, how in the hell does she know that I cry every day?

She's right though.  I need to figure out what, in my life, is making me cry every day.  I need to have these headaches gone.

HBK

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HBK

Summer's gifts

It's been a long time since I've posted a blog entry.  Too long.  There's been a lot of water under the bridge.

Let's see, where are we now.  It was a busy summer.  Kara planted a wonderful organic garden.  We're still enjoying the fruits of it.  She grew carrots bigger around than my forearm!  We enjoy those nearly daily still.  And beets!  And kale!  Still good.  I am so proud of all that she grew for our family.  I think it's pretty special that she does this for us.

The summer also brought smoke.  Long heavy smoke.  For 2 month, smoke shrouded the entire valley. It was worse than ever I've seen it before.  It was too smokey to play outside.  Too smokey to hike.  Too smokey to breathe.  It was depressing.  Ugh.  Cough.  Then, finally, the wind blew and the air cleared and it rained!

Luken turned 4 this summer.  How time flies!  He got a bike for his birthday.  He asks every day to ride it.  Yesterday he informed me that he no longer needs training wheels.  We'll see. I'll take them off after Thanksgiving.  He's growing SO fast!

His newest proud thing is that he wrote his name fir the first time yesterday!  This boy never ceases to amaze me.

He has such challenges yet he forges ahead, not knowing that he is different than most kids.  He is autistic.  And he doesn't let that get in his way of his enthusiasm for life.

When I say that he's autistic, don't picture him as a silent flapping spinning lost boy.  Nope. Not at all.  He is very expressive.  He talks a blue streak, using a huge vocabulary.  His mouth is NEVER still, even while he's sleeping.  People that don't know Luken wouldn't know that he's is autistic.  But, for those of us who spend lots of time with Luken, it becomes apparent.  I knew that something was different about Luken from just a few months of age.  I began to suspect Autism when he was about 18 months old.  This summer finally brought the official diagnosis.

What else did the summer bring us?  Well, lemme think.  Kara and I looked hard at our finances.  For years, we'd been living on credit, using our one and only credit card to live on, mostly paying off each month.  Over the years, we found ourselves slipping slowly farther and farther into debt.  We don't have huge debt.  Coupla thousand bucks.  But living so tightly, it feels like a lot.  So, we made the hard decision to cut up our credit card and live "up front".  It's taking us longer to pay off our little debt and get everything paid off.  Now we pay for our expenses with a debit card or cash.  No credit card as a back up.  It's scary and hard.  We have a way to go.  I think we're on the right track though.  By this time next year, I see us living "up front", having paid off our little credit card debt.

As long as I'm talking about debt, our medical debt bears mention.  Bottom line, we need to get healthy!  The way we eat, in large, causes medical problems that get expensive.  And, if we're going to have money to pay for the therapies Luken needs, Kara and I, his mommies, better do some long hard thinking and hard actions addressing our health.  Not gonna be fun but I think we're up for the task.  Encouragement is welcome.

I became a business owner this summer.  I joined an awesome company that promotes health, life and prosperity.  My job is to promote the 90 Day Body by Vi Challenge.  I did the Challenge myself and lost 25 pounds.  It's fun and exhilarating.  My absolute favorite part of ViSalus is when my customers come back to me and tell me how much Vi has changed their life for the better.  When that happens, it makes my day!

Kara and I reached a marital milestone this summer.  On June 16th, we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary!  On that evening, we actually had a date!  We went to dinner together while a high energy teen and her family chased responsibly after Luken.  Marriage isn't what I expected it to be.  It's not easy.  And if I had it to do over again with Kara, I would.  She's stubborn and grouchy and I love her so much.

Ah, it was a busy summer.  In some ways very hard.  In some ways very good.  I was glad when summer arrived.  And I'm happy to move on, into fall and winter.  I am comforted by the circular nature of, well, nature.

And with that bit of tired silliness, I'll sign off for today.

Be well!

HBK

Entertainment

My dearest son caught Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease.  So, he was home sick for a bit with blisters in his mouth, on his hands, and on his feet.  Miserable little dude.  And bored.

So, how did we entertain ourselves?  Well, by switching things up a bit.

He got purple hair and all the popsicles he wanted.

And I got, uh, red streaks in my hair.

He's better now and I'm really glad of that.  But we sure tried to make the most of our "down" time.

  

hbk

The Smoke is Boiling

My wife says I'm a freak.  We were sitting on the couch tonight watching the closing ceremonies of the olympics when the hair on the back of my neck stood up.  I told her, "We're gonna get a call.  Where's my pager?"  I went to the front door, opened it and stepped out to look at the mountains.  There I saw it, a grey boiling column of smoke rising up from the hillside just south of us.

Ghosts in the night

I turned on my radio to hear the rising voices of my comrades.  I could feel their excitement.  I sauntered into the other room and got my wildland pants on.  Sauntered into the living room and casually pulled on and laced up my boots.  I listened to about 6 engines leave the barn and head up the mountain.  I got my camera and keys and drove slowly and carefully through the chaos to the scene.

Yes, I do know how to fill this truck.

Going to a fire can be a complicated thing.  Tonight, for example, there was a grandpa driving oh, so slowly and carefully up the very middle of the road.  He probably had no idea that there were lights and sirens all around him.

"the guys" digging line at night. 

Then, a little further up the road, off the pavement and into the clouds of dust, there were 3 girls on horses dancing in the middle of the road.  You can't really blow past in a big loud truck when it's gonna cause the horses to buck and hurt their riders.  We tippy-toed around them.

My friend Joe.  Happy with his saw.

Then there's the traffic coming down.  "Hey, do you know there's a fire up there?"  No, I was just heading this way, why?

1020 Pump Panel.  Uh, looks like ya got a limp hose there.  Hmmm. . . 

Anyway, I didn't really go to fight the fire.  I went to play.  I took pictures.  I helped fill coupla trucks with water.  I drained a hose.  I made bad jokes and had a great time.

The guys.  

It was good for me to get out.  It was good for me to play.  It was good for me to feel useful.

When I get home from a fire, the animals are always curious about where I've been.  So many interesting smells!

HBK

photos by Kiss the Fiddler (uh, that's me)

one month down

Here's my one month 90 Day Body by Vi Challenge update. Start weight, 225 pounds. Current weight, 211 pounds. Inches lost: 1/4 from my neck, 1/2 inch from each upper arm, 1/4 inch from each wrist, 1 inch from upper chest, 2 inches from lower chest, 2 inches from waist, 1.5 inches from hips, 4 inches from each thigh, 1/4 inch from each ankle. Thank you, Body by Vi! 

It takes guts to put it a

ll out there like this. I'm proud of the work I'm doing to get healthy. I'm grateful to ViSalus for giving me the tools that I've needed to turn things around.

I'm not doing anything too special. ViShape shake for breakfast, snacks, ViShape shake for lunch, more snacks, sensible dinner. Not much working out at all. It's hot and I'm lazy and don't want to pop a migraine by getting too hot. So, mostly by sticking to the ViShape shakes twice a day. Yummy! 

If you're interested in beginning your own transformation, leave a comment and lemme know. 

hbk

Sometimes, to be kind in life, you have to lend a hand to death

This evening, on my way home, I spotted a minivan stopped in the middle passing lane on the highway with it's flashers on.  On the northbound side of the highway was a pickup, stopped also with its flashers on.  There was an individual out of the pickup.  I carefully drove through the scene and notice that the headlights on the mini an in the middle of the highway were trained an a beautiful little spotty fawn who was in the road, injured.  I flipped around, pulled OFF the road, put my flasher on and waited for a break in traffic.  I advised the woman to call 911 and request an officer come dispatch the animal.  Then I asked her to remove her vehicle from the middle of the road.  The man from the truck help me gently move the fawn to the side of the road.  He was upset and I told him that I'd be find if he wanted to go.  He gratefully left with tears running down his face.

I knelt there, knees in the gravel and grass stickers on the side of the road, cars whizzing by.  I put my hands on the little fawn and she immediately stopped struggling and relaxed into me.  I could feel her pulse and her breath.  Her breath slowed and stopped before her heart stopped.  As I was breathing life out of her, I heard a sound behind me.  I glanced back to catch mama deer out of the corner of my eye.  She was so close I could feel her breath on the back of my neck.  She stomped her foot once and let out sort of a strangled chittering sound.  Then she pressed her chin into my shoulder, exhaled and turned and left.  I told her I was sorry, that I'd done all I could.  She was gone in the darkness.

Then I heard another noise behind me, in the ditch.  And I smelled the unmistakable smell of a billy goat in full scent.  I turned around with the dead fawn gathered in my lap to see a huge stinky billy goat snuffling his way through the ditch.  I found it to be so funny and out of place that I could not help but laughing.

When the officer got there, I was sitting in the grass and gravel on the side of the road with a beautiful dead fawn in my lap, laughing my food head off with tears streaming down my face.  The officer musta thought I was more than half cracked.  I showed him the billy goat and yes, he thought it was comical too.  He thanked me for my assistance in helping the fawn die.  He said he hated having to shoot injured animals.  He said I'd made his night easier.  I untangled the fawn from my lap, gathered up it's soft legs and tucked its little head in.  Got up and shook the officer's hand.  We went on our merry (or not so) way.

Such are the adventures of my life.

HBK

4 years!

Yup, I'm a negligent blogger.  But I have a good excuse.   I've been busy raising my son.  He's a handful and a heartful.  He turned 4 yesterday!

Happy Birthday, Luken!

hbk

Snow!

We have lots of it. Snowed about 18 inches and then rained and then snowed again. Now we have a layer of snow, a layer of ice and another layer of snow. It's slick! And heavy! I spent the last 2 days shoveling. I am sore beyond description right now. And there is SO much shoveling left to do.

First, more coffee.

HBK

School!

Luken started preschool last week. He's attending the Bitterroot Valley Education Cooperative Special Education Preschool in Stevensville. It's 4 mornings a week from 8:30 to 10:55.

He did not want to go the first day. Every day since though, he is excited about going and fusses when it's time to go home. He very proudly brings home the work he's done each day.

I am seeing big changes in him. In less than 2 weeks, I see changes. I am so glad that he gets this chance at 6 weeks of real school with a qualified special education teacher. All of the sudden, he seems to be understanding more and more of what is said. His responses are more and more appropriate (aside from the usual defiance and sass). He seems happier and that warms my heart.

School wears him out! He gets up at 7:15 and usually needs a bath. Then he "eats" breakfast (mostly doesn't eat at all) and helps me get him dressed and cleaned and ready to roll. By the time I'm dropping him off, he's asking for a snack. He greets the other students with a big grin each morning and wastes no time with idle chatter. He gets busy right away doing whatever it is that grabs his attention. I kiss is cheek and leave.

When I come to pick him up, he's standing at the door, coat on and backpack in hand, ready to go. Each day he asks to ride the bus home and is sad when he can't (the bus goes south and he lives north). As soon as the bus conversation is over, he's asking for food. I usually feed him some lunch or healthy snack in the car on the way home. Sometimes he chatters about the kids and the things they did. Sometimes he dozes off.

When we get home, he's done. He can't do anything but have a tantrum or rest/sleep for the next 2 hours. He's too tired to even eat. I try to make the transition as smooth and calm as possible for him. After a rest, he's generally pretty relaxed and happy. It's so neat to see him this way.

He's doing so well that I doubt they will let him stay in this school after his 6 eval weeks are up. That's good. And kind of sad. I see him blossoming and I want him to keep blossoming.

I guess we'll see what's next when we get there. I sure am glad Luken is my son. I would't want it any other way. I just love him so much!

HBK

Sweet Potato Salad

Here's the recipe for the Sweet Potato Salad I made for Thanksgiving dinner this year. I thought it was delish!

Cube into bitesize cubes about 2 pounds of red skinned sweet potatoes. Drizzle and toss with olive oil, sprinkle with a bit of salt, and roast in 450 oven until just shy of tender. Cool thoroughly.

The next day (or after sweet potatoes have completely cooled) whisk together the following

2 tablespoons of honey

2 tablespoons OJ

2 tablespoons fresh rosemary, finely minced

2 green onions, green part included, finely sliced

2 teaspoons dijon mustard

3 tablespoons olive oil

This is gonna be the dressing for the salad. Pour over sweet potatoes.

Carefully remove kernels from one ripe pomegranate. Rinse to remove any white bits. Toss with dressing over sweet potatoes.

Refrigerate until serving time.

HBK

Verbal Processing

Until yesterday, I have put very little thought into the idea of verbal processing.

Yesterday, Kara and I met with Dr. Swierc, Luken's therapist. Dr. Swierc is a child psychologist. We've been seeing her to help us learn to more effectively parent our dear child. Anyway, yesterday we met with her to go over the results of some neuro/psych testing she did on Luken coupla weeks ago. Turns out, Luken has a significant weakness in verbal processing.

To quote, ". . . it appears that he has a specific receptive language disability which would benefit from educational services." Luken scored average on tests of intellectual ability and achievement. He's plenty smart. We know that. More quoting, "Luken demonstrated a significant weakness in verbal processing abilities, with a receptive language comprehension score that fell over 2 standard deviations below his other scores to the Very Low Range at the 1st percentile. In contrast to his specific difficulty comprehending verbal directions, he is able to produce language with a naming vocabulary in the average range compared to same aged peers. No significant weakness was observed in his attention and recall, on either visual or auditory tasks, both of which were in the average range." She goes on to recommend that Luken receive Speech Therapy.

Dr. Swierc gave us an example of what Luken hears when we talk to him. She said that he is able to hear, take in, process and appropriately respond to only 2 to 3 words of any given sentence or request we give him. If we were to say, "Luken, please don't chew on the Christmas tree. The lights on it could hurt you." he might only hear, "Luken, blah blah blah chew blah blah blah you." No wonder we think he is defiant. He really truly isn't understand what we say. I feel sad that I've been harsh with him for disobeying when he can't.

I sort of know what he's going through. I don't read text or print. I can read. Sometimes. When I can, I can only make sense of a few of the words on the page. I guess at the rest. I sometimes guess wrong. Sometimes the responses I give to written directions don't at all match what the text was asking of me. I get frustrated. I get mad. It makes me not want to even try. It's a lot of work to make sense of things in a world that widely relies on text. But I've done it. Sometimes. I earned a Master's degree with a 4.o GPA. I did it without reading. I sat in the front of class where I could easily see the instructor. I tried to take notes. Sometimes. I guessed at a LOT of things. And I wrote. I wrote what I thought they wanted to read. Anyway . . .

I hope that, with early intervention, Luken learns how to process the information that the world throws at him. I don't want him to go through his life having to guess at what people mean when they talk to him. It's hard enough to know what people mean, even for those of us that are able to hear, process and respond to the spoken word.

He's a smart spunky little kid. I know he's gonna make the best of whatever comes his way. He has lots of support. And I'm sad for him. I don't want him to have to work so hard just to understand. It's not fair.

HBK

too long

Too long with a migraine. Since I had a hysterectomy this past June, the number, intensity and frequency of the migraines I experience has dropped drastically. Yay!

That said, I got a migraine on Sunday. It's manageable during the day but around 4, it starts growing until it takes me out at the knees. I'm done. I need this headache to be over.

HBK

d.e.p.r.e.s.s.i.o.n

i am depressed

it sucks

sucks the energy right out of me

makes it hard to breathe

want to sleep

for a long time

heavy

tired

done

hbk

p.s. i get this way every now and then. it gets better. don't freak out.

Bad Attitude

Yup. You read that right. I have a bad attitude. I am feeling mean and angry and crabby and all sorts of bad about myself. Like, REALLY bad about myself. I am fat. I hate fat. I weigh 225 pounds. That's one hundred pounds extra. One hundred twenty five pounds that I used to weigh at one proud but not so sane time in my adult life. Hate pretty much sums up the feelings I have about my body right now.

So, I'm trying to change. My morning sugar was 87. That's good. I ate 2 poached eggs over green peas with salt and pepper for breakfast. And, of course, coffee with cream. Yes, cream. Always.

It's a good thing I have the Spreading the Love project to focus on.

HBK

Is it gaming or is it therapy?

The other day at one of Luken's therapies, the therapist was explaining to me the importance of cross body activities for Luken. Among these are crawling and riding a bike or trike.

Yesterday, during my second hand store rounds looking for pants, mittens and a pair of shoes for Luken, I happened across this toy bike/video game thing. It's called a SmartCycle. It connects to a television and has a little game thing plugged into it. It's intended to increase the activity of the child whilst offering educational games. After consideration of the therapeutic benefits vs. increased screen time, I bought the thing, took it home, and hooked it up.

Luken caught on quickly. He loves the thing! He will spend about 5 minutes at a time pedaling away on it. So ya, it has some therapeutic value. Plus, he's learning his ABC's.

Still, I feel kinda bad promoting more screen time for my toddler. And gaming. Sheesh . . .

It is what it is, I guess. A mixed bag. Kinda like the rest of life.

HBK

Anxious

Anxious - a non-productive state of mind. Thought shattering, emotion frothing, asthma inducing panic. Non-logical, non-sensical, energy robbing path that leads to nowhere.

So, really, why do I keep going there? Enough already!

HBK

Lessons Learned?

Poor Fizz didn't have a good day today.

First he got too cold. His fur isn't very thick. When I let him inside after his breakfast, he was shivering and so I let him bundle with us on the couch. His feet and ears next to me were cold enough to feel through my blanket. Poor Fizz.

I decided to give him a treat to help cheer him up. I have him the last coupla bites of Luken's blueberry pancake with peanut butter on it. The peanut butter glued itself to the top of Fizz's mouth. What ensued was a frenzy of jerking, head flinging, slobber slinging and terrified licking. I took pity and scraped the pancake/peanut butter off the top of his mouth. I swear, I didn't mean to terrorize him.

A little while later, I heard Fizz wrestling with our other young dog, Belle. Crash, bang, boom! Then all was quiet. In this house, during the day, quiet usually isn't a good sign. I went looking. At the bottom of the basement stairs, stood Fizz. He was all hunched up, his tail tucked between his legs, a small pool of blood growing beneath him. Something was wrong. Now, I didn't know this, but evidently when male dogs get, uh, excited, their penis engorges and comes completely out of the sheath. I mean COMPLETELY out, even the swollen glans were out. That was shocking to see. And the blood . . . What on earth?

I hollered for Kara and gathered Fizz up and ran him to the vet. By the time we got to the vet, his "excitement" had subsided. The vet patiently explained to me that yes, when dogs are erect, the entire penis and glans comes out of the sheath. Still though, the blood was worrisome. So the vet examined him further. She found that poor Fizz had at least 2 puncture wounds on his penis about halfway from the tip to the glans. Oh, poor Fizz!

We were sent home with Fizz in a lamp shade collar, antibiotics, anti-inflammatory meds, and absolutely no dignity. Fizz spent the rest of the morning moping, trying to lick and crashing into things as he bumbled through the house in his lampshade.

Lesson of the day? Oh, take your pick. Beware the peanut butter. Wear a warm coat when it's cold outside. Keep it in your pants, or, uh, sheath. If you wave it around, somebody's gonna get hurt.

HBK

Is it me?

Luken's Child Development Center eval was today. It was a psych eval. 1. I know the man who did the eval. I think he's a mediocre fiddle player. I don't put much stake in his professional opinion. 2. This doctor spent 7 whole minutes playing and interacting with Luken before instructing me to play with him. 3. The toys we were given to play with were unfamiliar to Luken (a pink plastic baby changing station and bath tub with 2 naked baby dolls and various accoutrements). No cars or animals or things to climb or appropriately throw. 4. After less that 10 minutes of me playing with Luken, being observed by this doctor, he took me to his office to talk. 5. After an hour, he sent me back to play with Luken while he and his colleague discussed their "findings". 12 more minutes. 6. Then I am taken back to his office to hear the "findings".

These "findings? Luken is not autistic. Good! Luken is smart. Yes! I agree. Luken is creative. Yup. Luken takes pleasure in pushing my buttons. Sometimes. Luken is able to act appropriately in other settings. Sometimes. Therefore, it's a parenting issue. Fucker!

Don't get me wrong. I am relieved that the doctor didn't see any blaring problems with my child. Sort of. I see issues. Other people see issues. I know I'm not the only person who things there's something going on with this boy. Today's doctor suggested that it was all my problem. It's not. Yes, there is room for improvement. Lots. AND something is going on with him.

I am so frustrated.

HBK

Thankful 13

Today I am thankful for the possibilities that life holds. Endless!

HBK

Thankful 12

I work with the best bunch of guys (and a few gals but they're part of "the guys"). Being on the fire department has given me the opportunity to work with some really great folks. Thanks for that!

HBK

Oy, sickness . . .

I've been sick for a month. I have "walking pneumonia" or mycoplasmic pneumonia. I started today on a double long dose of z-pack. Blah. I feel like the walking dead.

Luken popped a fever last night. It was 103.8 earlier today. Poor kid is miserable.

We are all miserable.

HBK

Thankful 10

Lavender.

hbk

DITL (day in the life)

starting at midnight because that's when this calendar date started

sleep peacefully. wake to screaming child. rush in to see what's the matter with screaming child. find out that child is screaming in pain - "owie legs, mommy." give child tylenol. rub child's legs until child falls back asleep. wake up with a start at about 2 realizing that i'm not in bed. look around and realize that i'm in child's room with child sleeping fitfully in my lap on the floor next to his bed. put child into his bed. wrap up in blanket next to child's bed and fall asleep. wake up around 4 to pee. go to own bed and fall asleep. wake at 5 when wife gets up. mutter unintelligible phrases. go back to sleep.

wake at 7 when child wakes. pour coffee. forget to drink coffee. fix child breakfast. clean up breakfast that child flings across the room because "it's not good". plop child in front of tv. shower. dress self. dress child. brush teeth. make an attempt at brushing child's teeth and give up. not worth all the screaming. find jacket that fits child. find both of the same pair of child's shoes. wiggle child's feet into socks and shoes. go outside to start the car. come in. feed dogs. put child's coat on. find wallet. find cell phone. put child's socks, shoes and coat on again. look for car keys and realize that they're already in the car. coax child out the door and to the car. buckle child into car seat. buckle myself into car. look for car keys to start the car. oh, right, car is already running. look both ways and back out of driveway. drive to stevi and deposit child at "school".

drive to missoula. find dr's office. wait in line. check in. wait in waiting room. talk to a coupla guys about the failed fire levy. look out the window at the smoggy missoula sky. follow nurse back to exam room. listen and nod. undress. put on figure flattering open back gown. wait. wait. wait some more. greet doctor. talk about moles. have mole removed. dress. find waiting room and exit through maze of beige hallways and closed doors. return to car.

drive to petsmart. get distracted along the way and go into second hand store. pick out a few things for my child. finish driving to petsmart. load cart full of dog food. follow terrified meow-ing and find terrified cats. they are waiting for their forever homes. feel sad. wait in line at checkout. pay way too much for 3 bags of dog food and 3 dog toys (christmas). call sweetie to see if i need to stop anywhere else in town.

drive to liquor store. browse. find expensive irish whiskey. choose less expensive whiskey. look around some more. pay. get into car and remember that i forgot to eat breakfast. dig around in car and find a bag of trail mix. eat trail mix.

drive south, past home, to child's "school". extricate child from block area. find both child's shoes and jacket. cram child's feet into his shoes. give up on the jacket. sign child out of "school". buckle child and self into car. drive home.

put child down for nap. make myself lunch. eat lunch! check email. climb into bed for nap. snuggle with cat until she gets up to eat. watch cat eat. watch cat vomit. roll over. listen to cat eat. listen to cat vomit. get up. clean up vomit. twice. watch cat eat. watch cat vomit. again. clean up vomit. again. call vet and make appointment for later today. send harassing texts to wife. laugh at the texts she sends back. send more harassing texts. pour diet pepsi. forget to drink it.

screw around on facebook until child gets up from nap around 1430. change child's diaper. play with child. answer phone. send more texts to wife. do "educational" activities with child on the computer. get cat ready for the vet.

load self and cat into the car. drive to friend's house to turn off her stove. take cat to vet. wait. talk about funny things dogs do. take cat into exam room. rub kitty's head when she gets a shot to stop the vomiting. talk to vet. decide to "give it until monday" and re-assess next week. get medication to give cat at home. pay. load cat and self into the car. drive home. again.

take cat into the house. look at the mess that i call a kitchen. turn around and walk out. it's too much. sit on couch and open computer. blog. chat with wife and child. discuss the weather. my child has icy cold hands from being outside. talk about my dr. appointment. talk about wife's dr. appointment. talk cat's dr. appointment. talk about dog's poop. roll eyes.

hear sirens. check pager. get boots on. find keys. tell spouse i'm going on a call. drive to fire hall. pull on bunker gear. haul fat ass into big red truck. hang on while joe drives like hell. laugh at crazy radio traffic. follow a parade of fire trucks who make a wrong turn. turn around with a parade of fire trucks. laugh at the parade. find the scene. check in. wander around trying to look useful. get cancelled (probably because we looked so good). wander back to big red truck. help turn truck around. ride back to florence. climb around on truck while fueling. pub flopping hose away (no, it's not that). tease joe as he backs big red truck into fire hall. climb out. peel off turn outs. talk with folks there about all sorts of very rude crap.

attend fire association meeting. laugh at inappropriate times. learn some touchy news. share my opinion too freely. find a chocolate stash and help myself. yummy. wander around fire hall trying to feel useful. decide to go home.

drive home. it's freezing outside. get home. wade through three wagging dogs. check in with sleepy wife. get something to eat. watch tv while i eat. be lap for sick cat. blog. think about day.

i am tired.

hbk

Oh, so there IS a reason.

I haven't been feeling up to par lately. I'm tired as hell and only marginally functional. I manage to get Luken to his appointments but have fallen behind on things such as meal planning/cooking and laundry. I feel like shit.

So, with Kara's urging, I went to my doctor. He thinks I have Mycoplasma Pneumonia. Thing is, it's not in my lungs, it's in my throat. Several weeks ago, my household got sick. Both Kara and Luken were given z-pack and they got better pretty quickly. I got sick but didn't bet much more than blah ugh sick so I never went in. Doc thinks that I got the bacteria at that time and it's just dug in really hard. So, while I'm not happy in the least about feeling like crap, it is good to know that there's a reason.

To bed!

HBK

Thankful 9

Today I am thankful that I have a good doctor and access to medical care.

HBK

Thankful 8

Missed a day yesterday. Oops. Oh, well. Onward.

Today I am thankful for pancakes.

HBK

On Sleep

Our house has a guest room. It's downstairs. It's quiet, warm and dark. I crawled into bed in that room yesterday afternoon and fell asleep. I slept until this morning. Again today I went down there and went to bed. I slept until evening. I want to go back and spend the night down there. It's like time stops when I'm sleeping there. Life stops. Not like when I'm sleeping in my bed upstairs. When I'm sleeping in my bed, I hear Kara snoring. I hear Luken whimper. I hear the dogs sleeping. I feel the cats crawling over me. I hear the truck that delivers the morning paper drive down my street. I hear the neighbor come home and leave again in the middle of the night. When I wake up after sleeping in my bed, I feel like I'm coming from the grey into the day. When I wake from sleeping downstairs though, I feel like I come through the void, through the silence into wakefulness. Sleeping in the dark warm quiet has an addictive quality about it. I NEED it! I MUST have more of it! If you can't find me upstairs, look in the guest room. It will be warm and dark and quiet and I will be there. Sleeping. Truly deeply sleeping as I haven't slept in years.

HBK

Thankful 6

Naps.

HBK

Thankful 5

Today I am grateful for my smiling little boy. He woke up last night at about 1130 because he was hungry. I gave him some yogurt and we hung out for awhile in the dark. He is such a sweet soul. And funny too! I am so glad he chose us to be his parents. He has changed my life in so many ways. I never knew my heart could feel so full of love for someone as it does for him. Luken is a precious gift and I look forward to each day with him.

HBK

The Curtain Comes Down

It's dark outside. And snowing. It's the end of the day. The end of the week. And the curtain comes down. I am deep dark depressed. I have a migraine and I've taken meds for it. I want to curl up in a warm soft dark place and be rocked. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. I want someone to rub my back and shoulders. I want to sink into that place where nothing else really matters. Just breathing in. And breathing out. Over and over again. Until the morning comes and the sun brings pink to the sky and my coffee pot crackles to life. Coaxing me out of sleep, that sweet dark place, to set my feet on the floor and start again.

HBK

Thankful 4

Today (and every day) I am thankful for my wife. So often, that goes unsaid. I'm glad that Kara stays with me even though I am not easy to live with. I am grateful for our commitment to each other and to our relationship. Together we face what life gives us, the good, the bad, and the in between. Together we figure it out. Together we raise our son. Together we collapse into bed each night exhausted. Together we face each new day and all the possibilities it brings. Yes, we fight. We butt heads. We disagree. But we learn. And we go on. I'm lucky to have her.

HBK

Thankful 3

Today I am thankful for the larch on the mountains. Some people call them tamarack. Right now they are bright deep yellow among the evergreens. I really do have the best view anybody could wish for.

HBK

Thankful 2

Today I am thankful that we saved our credit card points for the past 10 years so we can travel to visit my sister over Christmas. I am so excited!

HBK

We're Traveling!

I am SO excited! We're actually going away for the holidays. Turns out, we'll be away from home over Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years! I am so excited!

We'll have Thanksgiving in Bigfork with Kara's family. Then we'll go to Great Falls to see my family over the weekend. That will be crowded and fun.

Then, the part I'm most excited about - Christmas! We're gonna fly to Portland and stay a few days with Larkin and her family before staying a coupla blocks away at the Marriott until the 30th when we fly home. I can hardly wait! Larkin moved to Portland in August and we've really missed her. The little boys will get to have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. After Christmas, maybe we'll go to the coast for a day. Maybe we'll go to the zoo or aquarium or well, the possibilities are nearly endless!

On New Year's, we'll go to Kalispell. Luken and I will go to FirstNight! and Kara will party it up with her huge extended family in the annual HagenFest.

When it's all said and done, we'll be ready to hibernate until spring.

HBK

Slowing Down

I need to slow down. There is so much to be done that I don't have time to slow down. I can choose do engage in slower types of activities. Like knitting. Or reading. Who am I kidding? I HATE to read. Shit I hardly can. Read, that is. So, ya, knitting. Knitting is quiet and methodical. And pretty. Well, the yarn is pretty anyway. Kudos to the gals at Mountain Colors for the beautiful colorways. Anyway, slowing down . . . Slowing down feels panicky to me. Strange, I know. Right now, Luken is in bed and the house is quiet. Kara is out for the evening. I should take the opportunity to purposefully slow down, right? But the kitchen is a mess. I need to clean the floor. The dog needs brushed. And the floor, did I mention the floor? All that crap races around in my head and even if I'm sitting staring mindlessly at the tele, I don't feel relaxed one single bit.

When I sit and ponder, try to slow the thoughts in my head, I feel depressed. I'm not sure what I'd rather be, slow and depressed or racing and panicked. How 'about somewhere in the middle.

HBK

Thankful 1

Today I am thankful that Hallowe'en is over and done with.

HBK