Feels Like A Monday

Doesn't it?  Who thought it would be a good idea to have kids start school today?  Not me!

***noonish***
Anyway, I didn't sleep well last night.  Tossed and turned.  Up and down.  Couldn't settle.  Couldn't relax.  I wonder if it's because I didn't take narcotics at night.  Could be.  My body has been used to having them for better part of a year or more.

And, because I was up, I ate.  I had yogurt with coconut oil, little bit of honey (but probably too much) and peanut butter (not approved for the stage I'm in).  And then I had more yogurt, this time with coconut oil (craving that for some reason), frozen blueberries (not approved for the stage I'm in) and more honey (still too much).  Still awake later, so, um, I ate more, der.  A spoon full of peanut butter (Nope, not GAPS legal on Intro Stage 1).

I slept through my alarm this morning.  Woke up groggy.  Not too much physical pain.  But ya know what?  I have a migraine.  Yes, I do.  Lots of visual aura and flashes of intense, breath-stopping, nauseating head pain.  And lots of sound sensitivity.  So that right now, the tv in the next room is painful.  And the sloshing noise of the dishwasher behind me is dizzying.

So, dear Heidi, what do you learn?  Perhaps that you get migraines on Thursdays that feel like Mondays.  Really?  Maybe.  Or, could there be a link between what you ate last night, and . . . . wait for it . . . how you feel TODAY?  Hmmmm. . .  I'll think about that one.  Eat peanut butter, blueberries and honey at night, get a migraine in the morning.  Sweet Heidi, maybe, just maybe your body isn't ready for these foods just yet.  Maybe the doctor who researched and designed this way of eating actually knew what she was doing.  Science back it up.  Experience of thousands of other people back it up.  So why, then, do I fight it?  Because it's in my nature.  Poor excuse.  But true.

****2-ish****
I tried to eat some chicken in my breakfast soup.  Couldn't hack it.  Couldn't even finish the soup around the bits of chicken.  That made the dogs happy because they got to fight over it.

For lunch, I tried again.  I set about 3/4 of a large onion, thinly sliced to sautee' with some butter and chicken broth.  I added thinly sliced carrots.  These cooked over low heat while I puttered with other things.  When the carrots were soft, I made a spot in the center of the pan and added 5 very thin slices of chicken breast, which I salted and cooked there, turning, until they were cooked through.  I ate all but one.  And most of the carrots and onions.  I ate until I was full.  It felt panicky eating the chicken but I just breathed and chewed and swallowed and thought about how it would nourish, fuel and heal my body.  This is progress.

****5pm-ish****
Sure does feel like a Monday.  Ugh.  I'm hungry and have no energy.  My kid, however, is outside shooting off fireworks.  My apologies to my neighbors with sleeping babies.

Over the past few months, I've been slowly trying to find alternatives to the things we use every day that are loaded with chemicals that I don't really want my family to put in or on our bodies.  I've learned to make a really neat shampoo (bar).  I make all our soap.  I make several different salves that we use regularly.  And, today, I tackled pit stick.  Cause, well, I don't want to stink and I REALLY don't want to continue to poison myself as I have been every day since I was 12.  I made 2 different "flavors".  One for me, one for my Sweet.  I'll let you know what we think of them in a week or so.

****7pm-ish****
I'm crabby.  I'm trying as hard as I can on this GAPS thing.  And right now, I feel like throwing in the towel.  I am craving sweets like crazy.  It sucks!  You don't think sugar addiction is real?  I'm here ta tell you that, yes, it's real.

****10pm-ish****
Just had a complete emotional break down. I asked my wife if we 

could touch. I wasn't asking for sex. Just wanted to touch her. 

Turned in to me crying so hard I couldn't breathe, having 

flashbacks to **** ****** laying on my chest, being **** down and 

*****. What is wrong with me? All I wanted was a simple 

conversation of connection and some touch. Maybe hold hands as 

we fall asleep next to each other. Right now I'm feeling seriously 

tetched in the head, off my nut, spun out. Does this diet ever 

cause people to go crazy? Or maybe crazier? Because seriously, i 

feel like crazy is chasing me and I can't outrun it.


This concludes the Fucking Monday on a Thursday.

hbk