Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Unanswered Cries

I was given a book.  The book is "Jesus Calling".   I was given this book some 3 years ago.  It felt like a taunt.  I gave it away.  A few days ago, I was given this book again.  By the same person.  So I decided to give it a try.

Today's entry says
"I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Come to me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish.   . . . . . . Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark.  The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation . . .   . . . "

My thoughts,  edited as best I can to say what needs to be said in a way that's appropriate. 

I’ve gotta say that today's reading only works for me if I have blinders on and don’t remember the past.  Because I have such clear memories of being a small girl, in a dry wheat field at night, cold and barefoot in the wind, if i was lucky to have a blanket, it would be stained or *** **** *****, ********* ****.  I would pray, "God, please help me.  Jesus, please, come for me now.  If you’re real, help me.”  Nobody came.  Sometimes I’d give up and curl up on the lumpy ground and try to stop breathing. Sometimes I’d just wait.  And watch.  And let the elders finish what they were doing so I could get cleansed (by one of them) and go home, to walk silently up the driveway and crawl into my bedroom window to my bed.  

Now, when I read today’s words, those are the predominant thoughts I have.  And, I’m angry.  And choking back tears for her.  I want to yell at God, “Damn it!  Where were you?  Didn’t you see?  Why did you let her (me) be so terribly hurt?  Why did you wait so long?”  It’s very hard for me to take today’s words and keep them in today.  Because all day, every day, I take my experiences with me.  All day, I know what happened back then.  

It doesn’t seem fair to close that window or shut that door on that knowing so I can read these words today in relative comfort.  It seems glib, bumper-sticker-ish, and fake.  I'm not willing to do that to her - to me.  


post script.  

If my blog upsets you, it should.  You are free not to read it.  Things happened that shouldn't have happened.  I will no longer be silent.  I write in an attempt to reconcile my experiences with my todays, so that I may become whole and walk toward healing. 

No comments: