Kiss The Fiddler

Ramblings, moments of humor, random thoughts, experiences, insights, simple wisdom, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014


I've heard, from more than one source, that I've been overwhelmingly negative as of late.  Look at it, I think it's true.  I've been bitchy.  I've whined.  I've complained.  I've turned every comment or action into something negative.  I hurt, I'm stuck, I'm lost, I don't know what to do, it sucks, etc.  It's been true.

I don't know if me spewing all this negativity is me saying that I'm at the end of my rope?  Because I am.  I don't know if it's my psyche detoxing through my mouth?  Could be, the rest of me is detoxing.  I don't know if it's a sign of just how dark the depression is?  Because it's dark.  Maybe a mix of all 3?  Or more?  I don't know.  And that's not a cop out.  That's honest.

Thank you, though, for calling it to my attention.  I wasn't aware that I was being overwhelmingly negative.  I was aware of trying to verbalize my experience.  I'm so used to having experiences that I think are real, only to be told by someone else, "No, you got it wrong.  It didn't happen like that.  You got it mixed up in your head.  What you think happened never even happened at all."  I think I'm trying to validate my experience by verbalizing it.  To me, that makes sense.

I am aware, that by verbalizing my experience, I may trigger discomfort in other people.  To me, right now, that's okay.  I don't want to go around tripping other people up, no, that's not it.  What I'm not doing is protecting other people's comfort.  I feel like I need to somehow validate my experiences.  For me, verbalizing it helps to validate it.  I'm not trying to be manipulative.  I'm not trying to scare anybody.  I'm trying to survive.  I'm trying to make sure that my experience is real.  Because people see real things.  And people hear real things.  By saying what this feels like, or what that feels like, I'm trying to make it real for myself.

I am real.  My experiences are real.  It is safe to be seen (I hope).  It is safe to be heard (I hope).  It is safe to be real (I hope).



montanasnowbaby said...

I haven't been around you in person, but I haven't found you to be negative in your "online persona." I have appreciated your open-ness and your vulnerability and your willingness to share your experiences. You never know how many people you may be helping or encouraging just by letting them know they are NOT ALONE and that others have experienced their pain and survived. Please don't let people shut you up. There are some things that can't be put in a positive light, and many of the things you have shared are in that category. Just sayin'......Keep being you and being real. Some of us like you that way!

montanasnowbaby said...

URGH. I am so ticked off. I just wrote out a huge long comment for you on this post and somehow it didn't post and I lost it.